Jamison Trumpets

New Species Discovered: Wolfpires

November 20th, 2009 by DanielRGT

Jamison was hard at work in his office just last night when suddenly an anonymous phone call came in. Of course, this was very suspicious so just to be sure we recorded the conversation. Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Jamison Trumpets: *brap*?
Anonymous Phone Caller: I have some information that may interest you.
JT: *brap*
APC: Your recent article on John Donahue and his love for vampires has brought about something bigger than you thought.
JT: *brap*
APC: I know what you’re thinking, but this information is legit.
JT: *brap*
APC: How can you trust me? Don’t I sound trustworthy?
JT: *brap*
APC: Well I don’t see how she has anything to do with this…
JT: *brap*
APC: Well…I suppose…
JT: *brap*
APC: Low blow man…low blow…
JT:
APC: Since you seem so eager to get this information, how about we work out a deal? How’s $100 for this information sound?
JT: *brap*
APC: How is that unreasonable?
JT: *brap*
APC: But I enjoy my kneecaps…
JT: *brap*
APC: Fine, fine, fine! How about I lower it to $75?
JT: …..*brap*
APC: Well no, I’m not particularly fond of dying…
JT: *brap*
APC: Ok! Fine! You win! $25!
JT: *brap*
APC: You still won’t take that!? What else do you want? I’m not giving this away for free you know!
JT: *brap*
APC: Oh…well I guess that technically isn’t free… though I don’t see how me paying you 20 dollars for this information that I have is in any way fair.
JT: *brap*
APC: You’re more informed than I thought… I thought nobody knew about my love for antique toilets. I’ll give you the 20 dollars later…do you want this information?
JT: *brap*!
APC: The John Donahue story has brought to light something even more disconcerting. You thought he was only delving into the forbidden fruit that is vampires, when you couldn’t be more wrong. Not only is he into vampires, he’s into werewolves as well.
JT: *brap*?
APC: I’m not lying! I have photographic evidence! The man we knew as John Donahue is no longer a human…at this point he must have evolved into a new species: the wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: I know it sounds ridiculous, I know! But listen, you need to check your e-mail. I’ve sent you the photograph on there, I expect you to expose the wolfpires for what they really are: a bunch of big gay neenies.
JT: *brap*
APC: I’m not a wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: No really, I swear I’m not a wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: Fine I’m a wolfpire. Except not really.
JT: *brap*
APC: Fuck you.

CALL ENDED

The conversation was suspicious certainly, but the facts check out. John Donahue has ascended to wolfpirehood, that is to say he is both a werewolf and a vampire. His status as a human is long since lost and such should be considered extremely dangerous! If he offers to check your neck for any cancerous moles or offers you a moonlit stroll on the beach, JUST SAY NO! Alternately, you can Stop, Drop, and Roll to safety. Wolfpires have been known to find this action confusing, and as such you have ample time to flee.

To prove that Donahue has achieved this special status, we present to you the conclusive evidence that he’s delving into what other wolfpires would refer to as “sweet, delicious, werewolf lovin'”.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

You see this filth? This news writes itself, John is no longer safe to be with. You see the flash drive in his hands? It’s not holding school data as we once thought, it’s in fact holding the love letters sent between him and Jacob during his night class on Tuesdays. You may be thinking we know a little bit too much about John, but that’s our job as a news reporter. We must report the facts, even if they can sound stalkerish and creepy.

To give you a little understanding on how Wolfpires make sense, let’s have a little explanation. First, Wolfpires originate from the two words: Werewolf and Empire State Building. The reason for the latter is because vampires love tall buildings. John has spent time with both Edward and Jacob, and as such his DNA structure has changed entirely. He no longer has innocent thoughts of becoming an astronaut, or of dressing up like Batman and masquerading around town in a hilarious montage.

Instead, John now spends his time daydreaming of wearing dark cloaks and his fake vampire teeth (until he grows his own pair of course) and sneaking up on Edward and Jacob to play “innocent” pranks on them. All of these pranks almost always end with vulgar results. That’s right, you guessed it: they begin to do each others taxes. It’s sickening really (Taxes that is. I guess vampires too.), having to watch them sit there with their graphing calculators.

After spending time with Edward, John will sneak out and go to his favorite spot in the woods to meet up with his love on the side, Jacob. Once there, John gives Jacob legal advice. This is just gross, and as such I will not go into further detail.

Now that I’ve exposed John for what he really is, you may be worried that us here at the Times will be in danger ourselves of the oncoming onslaught of wolfpires. That’s ok though, because we have knowledge of a wolfpire’s one weakness: not giving them a high five.

That’s right, wolfpires are desperate for high fives, to the point where they will whore themselves out just to get a high five. Odds are if you’ve ever purchased a “street walker” (which we here at the Times certainly do not condone, especially on the corner of 24th and Palm) and she/he asks you for a high five right after they are probably a wolfpire and as a result you should run the fuck away.

After all, if you don’t they might start doing your taxes.

Bonus opportunities on Credit Cards

August 10th, 2007 by DanielRGT

There’s nothing like an initial bonus opportunity when getting a new credit card. This is a perfect opportunity to use your purchase. If you use it, it increases your points, which you can use on future purchases.
Always do your research before paying for something with your card. Look at the comparison, take your time, and compare purchases. Always look at the point value of the card, not the cost of the card. If you are going to spend big on the card, get a sign up bonus first to help your use the card.

 


Watch the interest rate on credit cards. Many people are caught off guard when they find a card with a low interest rate. In fact, a lot of people find they can’t get a better rate than this. Even if a card with a higher interest rate is available, make sure you get one before you start using the card for purchases.
Do your research on the amount of credit you have available on your card. Review your credit reports and know your credit limit. If you’re not using your card, you’ll go over the credit limit and get cut off from your cards. After all, no one wants to spend their money on a card that is closed!
Pay off all of the debt you owe on your cards to any card that has a low balance transfer fee, and apply for a balance transfer fee-free card. Pay off your other cards first, then apply for a balance transfer fee-free card.

What is a credit-builder?
A credit-builder is a credit card where you can pay to build a good credit rating. So far, credit-builders have no limit on the number of cards that can be built, but they do have an annual fee. They are usually cash-back credit cards. The key to building a good credit rating is to use your credit as much as you can. Let’s say that you want a credit rating of 720. If you are shopping around for a credit card that will give you a rating of 720, you have to evaluate the card you’re considering and you have to take into account the terms of your credit cards. We suggest starting by visiting this website at https://www.sofi.com/credit-card/.

Some of the things you should think about are the length of your credit history (think about it from the perspective of your last purchase), how much you pay in interest per month, and if your credit is good or bad (good means it hasn’t been delinquent). You’ll have to shop around for credit-building credit cards to see which ones you’ll be happy with. But if you’re buying your first card to get the best rate for your first purchase, try to evaluate the terms of the credit-builder’s program, and you may find a card that fits your needs. It may not be worth it to jump ship and give your good credit a bad rating.

Now that you’ve looked at the main points of a credit-builder, let’s look at some examples. Some of these cards may be familiar to some readers. Some, may be completely new to you.

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