Jamison Trumpets

Happy New Trumpets

January 1st, 2010 by DanielRGT

It’s the new year friends. The year 2010, it’s been 10 years after the dreaded Y2K which so rightly “fucked our shit up” when all of our systems failed, our computers fried, our babies had babies, and Linkin Park was named “best band of all time.”

Whoa! Calm down there sir, there’s no need to start hyperventilating. You need not worry, none of the shit I just said ever happened. Y2K didn’t happen, all of our systems were fine (their blue screens shining as blue as ever!), our computers didn’t fry, our babies decided that abstinence was the way to go and put on their chastity belts, and Linkin Park was still fucking awful. This is something you can take comfort in.

It’s been a whole decade after that ordeal, and there are a lot of things racing through your mind. The first and foremost most likely being where can you get yourselves one of those dope ass segways. I can’t answer that question unfortunately, because for me to reveal that secret would be condeming you to a life of solitary confinement in which you would be forced to watch me ride one around. You’d probably ask me something like, “Can I get a turn?” and I’d simply scoff at your ridiculous question.

Of course you can’t have a fucking turn it’s my goddamn segway.

With this new year you’re probably thinking of some resolutions. Most people often have resolutions that sound realistic and achievable, but the person never ends up completing them. You’ll be sitting there on the couch pondering your New Year’s based fantasies and you think, “My resolution this year will be to lose a little weight and exercise a little more.”

Sounds reasonable right? You would think so, but in fact the complete opposite happens. The person, instead of eating less, hires a group of burly men to drive forklifts of delicious food into your mouth. Instead of exercising more, you lead a political campaign proposing that treadmills should be made to work in camps and should be stripped of all rights. The end result is that you end up buying several plots of land just to contain your fatass to property you own.

You can be a complete jerk sometimes.

I think instead of making reasonable sounding resolutions, you should strive to make your resolution as inachievable and farfetched as possible. At the end of the day instead of owning your own mobile cheese-grating robot companion, being president of the nega-universe (a different yet equally related sub-division of what is referred to as the “regullah ol’ universe”), and opening one of those ridiculously hard to open protective packaging that comes with shit you really want to use right at this very moment but you can’t because it is currently being protected by like 8 super-layers of plastic and titanium, you will instead have found a quarter on the ground, own one of those cool yet still sort of lame dog robots that breaks within 2 days, and have acquired a box of already used batteries.

A year well spent I would say.

Left 4 Dead (2), Killing Floor, and Et Ceterated Bullshit

November 3rd, 2009 by DanielRGT

Recently, I picked up the game Killing Floor on Steam. I’m not going to go into great detail about how I think the game is or what the game can do (you can do that by yourself you lazy whore), but it’s a pretty good game that’s been keeping me entertained for a little bit. In short, the game is a zombie shooter that works in “waves”, that is to say you must survive for several numbers of waves of zombies to survive until the “boss” zombie, then if you defeat him the map is over and you are taken to a new map. That’s the premise in short, and there’s some XP leveling up bullshit but that’s going way too far into the game and I’m sticking by my “you-look-it-up-goddamnit” policy.

Now in contrast, there’s a game like Left 4 Dead. Fans of this game look at Killing Floor and their giant floppy boner (this is not oxymoronic, this is simply a comment on the type of people who have hard ons for L4D) for Left 4 Dead goes nuts. They become Jason Stavin’ Angry, saying Killing Floor is just a cheap knockoff of Left 4 Dead and how Left 4 Dead is a much much better game and how if you play Killing Floor you’re just a great big ol’ faggot.

Classy ladies over on the Left 4 Dead side.

Meanwhile on the Killing Floor side there’s a bunch of indy gamer cockasses who go “Left 4 Dead is such bullshit (Translation: Left 4 Dead is too mainstream), Killing Floor is the best zombie fucking shooter ever goddamnit. You play Left 4 Dead? Fuck Left 4 Dead, I see a Left 4 Dead player I kill ’em.”

In short, it’s two fanboys to two games throwing their shit at each other.

My opinion of the matter is this: Killing Floor and Left 4 Dead are two different games. The only thing they have in common are zombies and guns. Comparing these two games when they are built to be two different games and are two different games is the dumbest thing. One is a campaign story-based multiplayer first-person zombie shooter. The other is a wave based RPG first-person zombie shooter.

Now if you simply comparing them as “games” then fine, you can say “I like this Killing Floor/Left 4 Dead better than Killing Floor/Left 4 Dead.” But that can be said in the same way that I believe that Street Fighter is a far superior game to that of Qbert (and as such, all Qbert fans can suck my dick. Respectively.)

It’s time to head over to the second part of this blog post, which is also zombie related: Left 4 Dead 2. I played the demo over the weekend and here are my thoughts:

  • -It’s like Left 4 Dead.
  • -Like, exactly like it.
  • -Ok, I know it’s the sequel but maybe it could be a bit more different.
  • -Model changes do not constitute “different.”
  • -Ok, well I mean I guess you can pick up melee weapons now and hit shit with them. That’s cool I guess.
  • -25% more black people.
  • -I’m not racist.
  • -Nor am I gay.
  • -There’s new weapons.
  • -They shoot bullets.
  • -Ironically I am talking in bullet points.
  • -That was a horrible pun.
  • -Couldn’t it just be a little different?
  • -There’s a football playing infected who charges your ass.
  • -He only knows how to run in a straight line though.
  • -So if you get hit by him you’re awful.
  • -You got hit by him didn’t you.
  • -You’re awful.
  • -I mean there could be SOME differences.
  • -Oops I didn’t pre-order it I don’t get showered in Valve presents.
  • -The sky is much bluer.
  • -Ok, I guess that’s because it takes place during the day instead of at night.
  • -Fuck you for pointing that out fag.
  • -No goddamn differences.

That’s what I think. Suck it Qbert fans.

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