Jamison Trumpets

Happy New Trumpets

January 1st, 2010 by DanielRGT

It’s the new year friends. The year 2010, it’s been 10 years after the dreaded Y2K which so rightly “fucked our shit up” when all of our systems failed, our computers fried, our babies had babies, and Linkin Park was named “best band of all time.”

Whoa! Calm down there sir, there’s no need to start hyperventilating. You need not worry, none of the shit I just said ever happened. Y2K didn’t happen, all of our systems were fine (their blue screens shining as blue as ever!), our computers didn’t fry, our babies decided that abstinence was the way to go and put on their chastity belts, and Linkin Park was still fucking awful. This is something you can take comfort in.

It’s been a whole decade after that ordeal, and there are a lot of things racing through your mind. The first and foremost most likely being where can you get yourselves one of those dope ass segways. I can’t answer that question unfortunately, because for me to reveal that secret would be condeming you to a life of solitary confinement in which you would be forced to watch me ride one around. You’d probably ask me something like, “Can I get a turn?” and I’d simply scoff at your ridiculous question.

Of course you can’t have a fucking turn it’s my goddamn segway.

With this new year you’re probably thinking of some resolutions. Most people often have resolutions that sound realistic and achievable, but the person never ends up completing them. You’ll be sitting there on the couch pondering your New Year’s based fantasies and you think, “My resolution this year will be to lose a little weight and exercise a little more.”

Sounds reasonable right? You would think so, but in fact the complete opposite happens. The person, instead of eating less, hires a group of burly men to drive forklifts of delicious food into your mouth. Instead of exercising more, you lead a political campaign proposing that treadmills should be made to work in camps and should be stripped of all rights. The end result is that you end up buying several plots of land just to contain your fatass to property you own.

You can be a complete jerk sometimes.

I think instead of making reasonable sounding resolutions, you should strive to make your resolution as inachievable and farfetched as possible. At the end of the day instead of owning your own mobile cheese-grating robot companion, being president of the nega-universe (a different yet equally related sub-division of what is referred to as the “regullah ol’ universe”), and opening one of those ridiculously hard to open protective packaging that comes with shit you really want to use right at this very moment but you can’t because it is currently being protected by like 8 super-layers of plastic and titanium, you will instead have found a quarter on the ground, own one of those cool yet still sort of lame dog robots that breaks within 2 days, and have acquired a box of already used batteries.

A year well spent I would say.

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