Jamison Trumpets

Castlevania: Haelp I'm Confused

May 19th, 2010 by DanielRGT

There’s a lot to be said about Castlevania. There are castles, certainly, and on top of that some obscure and unidentifiable substance known as “vania.” On top of that, there’s Dracula (or his surprise twist of a son, Alucard), Death, zombies, ghosts, zombie-ghosts, ghost-axemen, axemen-zombies, medusa heads, and fishmen.

It was certainly an original game when it came out for the NES, but when people go around spouting how good these games were, I get a little confused. The first source of my confusion stems from the fact that all old castlevania games, without fail, are fucking awful. I mean it, they’re really bad. Like any movie with Pauly Shore bad.

The old games, using a mixture of brilliant game design and mechanics, bring together the best parts and memories of falling in pits of water (and subsequently dying), attempting to hit some unreachable enemy (Spoiler: He can hit you), getting hit by random flying medusa heads or other related projectiles and falling in previously-mentioned pits of water, and attempting to jump across a chasm that was specifically built to harbor your doom.

Actually the only thing these games really have going for them, which is probably why people enjoy them so, is because of their exceptional music. It’s actually beyond exceptional, but I don’t want to spend several lines having a figurative boner over these tunes, so suffice to say the music is excellent. Which brings me to why I believe people play these games.

Good music in a game has a powerful effect on people. There are games I have played longer than I really should have (such as Castlevania) because of their music. Hell, I will sometimes even leave the game on, not move my character, and go and do something else because I want to listen to the music.

This does not, however, tell me that the game is good. If the game is a piece of ass, the music will not suddenly turn the game into a masterpiece. On the contrary, I feel pity for the game because it had such good music but was left to be a miserable pile of shit that not even its own mother could love.

This does not explain, however, why people like old Castlevania games. Pretty much everything before Symphony of the Night is an awful game and should feel awful, but you will see over and over again how much people liked the first Castlevania, how Castlevania 4 is the best game ever to have existed ever always, how Richter would look so cool in my apartment.

I’ve got to tell you I’m sick of it. Good music does not make up for poor gameplay and horrible jumping mechanics. Actually the only old Castlevania game with okay jump mechanics IS Super Castlevania 4, which is probably why people tend to enjoy it so much. It’s not a very good game, but even a pile of dirt will shine gold if compared to the previous piles of excrement you saw earlier.

Breaking News

November 17th, 2009 by DanielRGT

The photograph I am about to present to you has not been doctored in any way and is absolutely the truth. There is no way a person like me would lie about a person like John.

The other day while searching through my John H. Donahue file, I noticed a certain inconsistency with his schedule. I realized he would time away from friends and classes to visit a “secret location” and spend time with a “secret mythological creature.”

I know what you’re thinking. “Unicorns! I love unicorns!” I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I can only wish to myself that John was spending secret time with unicorns. Unfortunately, it is the complete opposite.

John Huevos Donahue during the months of July through the present time has been spending some “quality time” with the one and only, the infamous, the all-around well hated vampire known as:

Donald Trump.

Wait, no that’s not right. I meant to say Edward “Salad-Man” Cullen. That’s right! The John Donahue who you thought absolutely denied enjoying Twilight has been spending secret time admiring what John calls the “perfectly chiseled vampire cheekbones” of Edward “Stalkin’-Man” Cullen.

I know what you’re thinking. “John? And Edward ‘Egg Crack’r’ Cullen? There’s no way! I thought John loved ‘da ladies.'” It surprised me as well, but photographs do not lie and the photograph I am about to show you will prove my claims.

Without further ado, I give you the aforementioned “undeniable proof” as it were. I would warn you that small children may find this highly offensive and should be instructed to look away.

This is science fact.

This is science fact.

You see now, the hypocrisy that is seething out of John’s pores is palpable. You think he hates Twilight? To the contrary my enlightened friend, he absolutely adores Twilight.

Well, sort of. You see, it seems that John’s affair with Edward “Lite Brite” Cullen has created an awkward love triangle between John, Bella, and Edward “Nega-Man” Cullen.

How does John feel about this? Why not ask him yourself? When I asked John about this love triangle he replied with:

“What? What are you talking about, there is no love triangle because I don’t like Edward or Twilight.”

I know what you’re thinking. “Methinks thou dost protest too much.” I agree, and as such this is even further proof.

The likelihood of this rumor being true? 582.33% repeating. John’s “late-night escapades” with the sparklin’ spazman himself have, fortunately for the future of the “Jamison Trumpet Times”,brought about a new line of questions.

The first being whether or not John appreciates the sparkling nature of Edward “Doubles-As-A-Vegas-Light-Show” Cullen. Does John even see this sparkling behemoth during the day? Evidence of such hasn’t been found, but thanks to our research department we are working hard to find evidence on that matter.

The second question that is brought up is now that John’s secret has been exposed, will he admit that he has been found out or will he viciously deny the blatant truth before us all. We speculate that John will deny all claims that he has been discovered and will threaten to light many a person on fire.

Will he set you on fire? It’s possible, after all the vibrant and shining lights from the fire may remind him most of his precious Edward “What’s-My-Line-Again?” Cullen.

As we wrap up this shocking development of John and his deep dark sparkling secrets, we must warn all readers that if you are to bring up this subject with John be prepared to have many a word sworn at you and many a fist threatened to your person.

We advise that all people ready to bring up the topic with him should bring a picture of his nighttime sweetheart, Edward “What’s-Character-Development” Cullen. The chiseled cheekbones of the one he admires most may calm him down and make him a docile, innocent creature.

Jamison Trumpets: The Blog of Daniel Rivera
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