Jamison Trumpets

Aviation (And Other Things Made by the Devil)

May 23rd, 2010 by DanielRGT

I hate airplanes. There’s just something about packing a bag, getting to an airport (Just kidding there’s traffic!), waiting in seemingly endless lines to check my bags in, waiting in seeming endless lines to put all of my stuff through a special x-ray-o-matic, waiting for a seemingly endless amount of time as they personally inspect my bag because it’s got hella suspicious stuff in it, and then walking across the entire length of an airport to get to my gate only to find that it’s not really my gate anymore, it’s some other douchebag’s gate.

When I’m told that my gate is a certain place, I expect it to be in that specific gate. I don’t get this gate-switching bullshit. A specific plane goes to a specific gate; so, what, does a mysterious second plane (in true Miami fashion) cut the other plane off and steal his gate. Are not all gates created equal?

For the extremely small percentage of you who haven’t really flown, allow me to walk you through the process of preparing and taking your flight to a destination.

First, we start off by packing your bags. This is a very complicated process that involves exact knowledge of the location you’re going; or at least this is what I have been taught growing up. Normally, when I pack my bags I use the very popular method of grabbing any clothes within eyesight and clumsily stuffing them into an either undersized or completely oversized bag (It is constitutional law that there is no middle ground when it comes to bag sizes). My parents, on the other hand, use the method of meticulously going through every single one of their outfits and seeing if they are appropriate for their destination (Answer: No). They then, with (I imagine) the help of some crazy origami secrets, fold their clothes so neatly and perfectly that even after packing the majority of their wardrobe it would not be too far-fetched to say that you could fit much more in there as well, such as the entire state of Rhode Island. They are, of course, using the undersized model of suitcase; with the oversized bag they could easily fit all of Europe.

The next hard part is actually getting to the airport. One would imagine it’s just a simple drive to the airport, you drop off your loved ones (or park in an overpriced parking garage), grab your bags, and enter the lion’s den. This just goes to show how absurd some of our imaginations can be. It could be that I live in Miami, but whenever I go driving to the airport it ends up being as difficult and dramatic as a season of 24. Foiling a terrorist plot would actually be more appealing than driving to the airport in Miami to be honest. Traffic, for one, is horrendous. It could be that people have one common destination (Hell) and so they are all backed up trying to get there, but when there’s traffic in Miami it does not turn into bumper-to-bumper slow-moving bullshit traffic. People get restless, and they get impatient. People in Miami can’t spend very long without cutting someone off, honking their horn, flipping people off, running red lights, switching lanes without any warning, performing illegal U-turns, or foiling terrorist plots on the road.

So you’ve finally arrived at your airport, and boy are you relieved to be here; except your relief is soon replaced with horror as you realize there’s still a fuckton of things to do. You probably have bags to check-in, and this is another stressful process you must endure. We all know that you can only take a small “carry-on” sized bag onto the aircraft, which can be a problem if you use the “Grab-Anything Method” of packing as our bag is probably about three times its normal size now. More than likely, you’ll be asked to pay the airlines an absurd amount of money to take your bag and gently place it on the plane, which of course in “Airline” means to load your suitcase into a cannon and fire it into your plane (or towards the general direction of your destination).

The next part includes standing in a ridiculously long line waiting to put your shit through an X-Ray, walk through a metal detector, get searched, and then promptly deemed as “extremely suspicious” by the airport staff. Hold on though, because before you can even get to that fairy-tale experience you have to show a minimum of 30 airport agents your ID and boarding pass. This is of course so they know which gate to change once you get past their security measures.

Getting through the X-Ray machine section is no easy task either, because not only do you have to put your bag through the machine, you also have to take off your belt, shoes, jacket, and then depending on how many tips you get you can see where you go from there. Then of course you walk through the metal detector and upon reaching the other side of the gates of hell, you realize your stuff has been confiscated and a man is looking through it trying to find anything “suspicious.” To do this, they use their Clean & Clear oil pads to swab your bag, and depending on it’s acne level they determine if it’s a dangerous bag or not.

After getting past that point, you always want to double check what gate your flight is going to take off from so you head over to the special TV section of the airport. Here you can find useful information like the gate your flight will not be at. You can also check if your flight is delayed at all though. A good way to do this is to check if your flight has the words “On Time” after it, because this means it will most certainly be delayed a minimum of 3 hours.

Of course, the gate in which your flight is supposed to be at is at the opposite end of the airport from where you currently are, so it’s pretty common to have to walk a great distance to get to your gate. Only, as I’ve mentioned, your flight is really playing hard to get and has switched gates entirely, most likely to a gate at the opposite end from where you currently are standing. This involves a great deal of walking, swearing, and purchasing of beverages at your nearest newspaper outlet. Some people will buy plane tickets for the benefit of all the great exercise the gate changing does.

Now, after waiting for several hours and struggling to find something to do they begin boarding the plane. They will always, of course, begin by calling the people who are definitely not you to get on the plane. After several more minutes of waiting, they finally call your group to board and as you get on you realize that as you get closer and closer to your designated seat you see an exponential increase of babies and fat guys. This only spells trouble for your trip as you will most certainly have to deal with a 3 hour long flight (which will get delayed even more while on the ground because the pilots are having a hard time preparing their “smooth-jazz” pilot voice) filled with crying infants and bad B.O.

When you finally arrive at your destination it’s a great load off of your mind because you’re no longer in a enclosed death trap 30,000 feet off of the ground. It’s great to be on solid land again, only you can only be happy for so long as you remembered that you checked bags into the airplane, which means you must retrieve them from the airport.

When you get off the plane, you must immediately head towards an enchanted forest known as the “baggage claim.” The baggage claim is where you wait even longer for airport employees (who get cigarette breaks every 5 minutes) to throw your bags onto a conveyor belt. It’s common knowledge that they pick one set of bags to place on the conveyor belt dead last, sometimes 50 minutes after the baggage claim has started moving. This is their idea of a practical joke. Ha ha! It sure is funny!

There is only one conclusion I’ve drawn over years of experience, and it’s simply that flying is one of the worst experiences of my life, always. There has never been a time that I have been excited to get on an airplane. In fact, it is not uncommon for me to have vivid nightmares of an airport agent to swab my bag with oil pads and find out my bag has a horrible case of acne, and as a result I am deemed the most suspicious person of all time.

Video Game Reviewers: Ask Yourself This Question

May 19th, 2010 by DanielRGT

I read a fantastic article (and by fantastic I mean pile of dog shit) the other day written by a gentleman (idiot) over at IGN (Canada). The article, in layman’s terms, stated that sequels need to die out, and that if you like sequels you’re awful and don’t like games or support games for that matter. He then goes on to say how much he likes sequels, but just kidding they desperately need to die, seriously guys fuck sequels. (“Sequels killed my brother.”)

His big analogy to wrap up his fantastically written article goes something like this (Author’s Note: I am paraphrasing a great deal here, so this is not what he said word-for-word, but pretty damn close to it):

“I lived in some shithole when I was a kid. This place sucked, you know? Well, you don’t know so I’ll explain it. It sucked, it sucked forrealz. But I liked it, maybe because I was a stupid kid. It had this magical charm that places have when you’re a very unintelligent kid. I went back there years later to visit the place where I grew up, and I realized how awful it was. This has something to do with video games somehow.”

I’ll translate the above quote for you, just so you don’t have to go through all the painstaking work I ended up doing to decipher these hieroglyphics. He equates his shitty hometown to original versions that sequels are based off of (Example: Super Mario Bros.). He then proceeds to equate his “growing up and returning to his awful hometown” as how he, as a supposed “adult gamer”, didn’t quite feel the same spark he felt when he was a horrible child.

Now here are some reasons why this guy is an idiot (other than the fact that he’s blatantly one). First of all, his analogy (in case you didn’t notice) makes no sense. Not even a little really, in fact it’s not even related to what his article is about (which if you forgot, was about sequels to video games). His analogy really states this:

“Old games are great when you are a kid, but when you get older the old games are not as great.”

This would make sense if you were a crazy person, but it doesn’t translate well over here in sanity-land. Old games are great when you are a kid, and the majority of the time they retain their greatness into the future as well. Sequels, while containing similar characters, settings, and sometimes mechanics, are completely different games in their own right and (with the exception of how they relate to their prequel) should be treated as such. Super Mario 64 is astronomically different than Super Mario Bros., with the exception of the characters used.

Eventually, he brings fighting games into his argument bringing up the widely received game, “Street Fighter IV.” In his article, he reminisces of the days he spent playing Super Street Fighter II on his SNES (which if you think about it, falls under his veil of sequels that shouldn’t exist thanks to those Roman Numerals there) and how he had so much trouble doing his fireballs back in the day. Those quarter-circle forward motions were a doozy man, let me tell you.

Now with the newer addition, he says that he still has the same trouble doing those quarter-circle forward motions which, if you knew anything about Street Fighter IV, you would instantly recognize as bullshit because you can’t do much in that game without accidentally doing quarter-circle forward motions. This is one of the game’s actual downsides as it were, but either he has never played Street Fighter IV or he forgot that quarter-circle forward motions involve the joystick part of the controller, you know that stick that moves the character around.

I can easily get on board with what was probably going through his head when he wrote this article (other than the cocaine), and that is nowadays it’d be refreshing to see some original games. No doubt, original games are always exciting to see and they, if done right, bring something extraordinary to the table. The fact of the matter is, however, when an original game comes out the developers and publishers instantly recognize that a sequel would be received fairly well, and even if you put it up to a “poor choice” by that developer/publisher, a lot of the time it is what the fans want.

This stems from the fact that a lot of the time, severe originality is a “turn-off” as it were to gamers. Familiar mechanics, setting, and gameplay put the gamer at ease and create an environment that is easier to have fun in. Games such as Katamari Damacy (which if you haven’t played, is extremely wacky and Japanese) are so vastly original that some gamers may think, “I’m not sure what’s going on here. This is fucking insane.” They’d rather sit in the comfort zone of Mario or Link, knowing easily what to expect from the game: platforms and pigs.

This doesn’t mean sequels are bad though, in fact they’re healthy. Sequels, if done right, bring something new to that series and are either executed great (e.g. Kingdom Hearts 2) or executed poorly and end up falling flat (e.g. Every Sonic Game after Sonic Adventure). These slight alterations to the series open the doors to change and originality, which eventually create great original titles that may not have been able to be received as well earlier, but can now be received with open arms.

So, as the title of this post says, I really wish video game reviewers would ask themselves this particular question:

“What exactly is a game?”

Part of me really feels that video game reviewers end up having to play way too many video games to do their job, and as a result almost get desensitized by it all. They’ve lost touch on what a game really is; a form of entertainment in order to achieve the abstract concept known as “fun.” Nowadays, gamers get split up into two categories: Casual and Hardcore. To me, what type of gamer you are is irrelevant. A game either appeals to you or doesn’t, there’s no such thing to me as a game that is strictly casual or hardcore.

Sequels, while unoriginal, fall under the category of game. You can bring up all the questions you’d like on whether they should exist or not, but the fact of the matter is the only question that really matters is if those games are worth playing; if they are fun at all. If the answer is no, then maybe you could make the argument that the game shouldn’t have existed, or maybe it could have been executed a little better, but if the game is outright fun there is no reason to ever think that a particular brand of games should die out, even if they do seem unoriginal to you.

I understand that with reviewing gamers comes great difficulty, as well as timing issues. Reviewers are often playing lots of games in a short period of time, and this brings up whether or not they can fully appreciate the game or not. Sure, you can have a “first impression” as it were, but I don’t think you can fully enjoy the game outright having a deadline impending.

I don’t expect for this article to change much of anything (especially considering the audience for this blog being to people I know), but it’d be nice to see less articles proving how asinine video game reviewers can be, and more showing how they truly understand what a game really is.

Castlevania: Haelp I'm Confused

May 19th, 2010 by DanielRGT

There’s a lot to be said about Castlevania. There are castles, certainly, and on top of that some obscure and unidentifiable substance known as “vania.” On top of that, there’s Dracula (or his surprise twist of a son, Alucard), Death, zombies, ghosts, zombie-ghosts, ghost-axemen, axemen-zombies, medusa heads, and fishmen.

It was certainly an original game when it came out for the NES, but when people go around spouting how good these games were, I get a little confused. The first source of my confusion stems from the fact that all old castlevania games, without fail, are fucking awful. I mean it, they’re really bad. Like any movie with Pauly Shore bad.

The old games, using a mixture of brilliant game design and mechanics, bring together the best parts and memories of falling in pits of water (and subsequently dying), attempting to hit some unreachable enemy (Spoiler: He can hit you), getting hit by random flying medusa heads or other related projectiles and falling in previously-mentioned pits of water, and attempting to jump across a chasm that was specifically built to harbor your doom.

Actually the only thing these games really have going for them, which is probably why people enjoy them so, is because of their exceptional music. It’s actually beyond exceptional, but I don’t want to spend several lines having a figurative boner over these tunes, so suffice to say the music is excellent. Which brings me to why I believe people play these games.

Good music in a game has a powerful effect on people. There are games I have played longer than I really should have (such as Castlevania) because of their music. Hell, I will sometimes even leave the game on, not move my character, and go and do something else because I want to listen to the music.

This does not, however, tell me that the game is good. If the game is a piece of ass, the music will not suddenly turn the game into a masterpiece. On the contrary, I feel pity for the game because it had such good music but was left to be a miserable pile of shit that not even its own mother could love.

This does not explain, however, why people like old Castlevania games. Pretty much everything before Symphony of the Night is an awful game and should feel awful, but you will see over and over again how much people liked the first Castlevania, how Castlevania 4 is the best game ever to have existed ever always, how Richter would look so cool in my apartment.

I’ve got to tell you I’m sick of it. Good music does not make up for poor gameplay and horrible jumping mechanics. Actually the only old Castlevania game with okay jump mechanics IS Super Castlevania 4, which is probably why people tend to enjoy it so much. It’s not a very good game, but even a pile of dirt will shine gold if compared to the previous piles of excrement you saw earlier.

Narrative Writing and J.T.'s List of No-Nos

January 25th, 2010 by DanielRGT

Don’t like writing? Think writing is for weenies? Do you pick up books and base their chance of being purchased based on the ratio of half-naked women on the cover to sexual euphemisms in the title (The most successful known ratio to date has been 10 to 1 belonging, of course, to The Bible)? If you said yes to any of these questions, then the following post is probably not for you. Why you may ask? Well the reason being is that you may confuse my list of what I believe to be trends of bad writing (and all bad writing related incorporations) for being exceptionally good writing. The confusion that will settle in your brain will be enough to kill you ten times over and then an eleventh time on top of that.

Writing has been around for ages (almost 4 years now!) and as a result of other people’s success, many have tried their hand at writing. They think to themselves, “If a story about gay vampires and personality-less women can be hugely successful, then my story about gay vampires mummies and personality-less women will be just as successful!” Unfortunately for the human race, they are probably not far off the mark. This doesn’t change the simple fact, however, that with new rookie writers comes a lot of new rookie bad and horrible writers.

The main offender would be those darn teenagers and their rap music, always stomping all over my begonias on my lawn. This isn’t to say that all bad writers are teenagers, but almost all teenagers are bad writers.

What makes bad writers so horrible though? To me, there are different types of bad writers. There are the bad writers who generally realize that they are not fantastic writers and want to improve. These people may or may not be good writers in a couple of months/years/decades, but the fact is that they have the right idea.

Then there are bad writers who write the worst shit in the world. The type of writing that hurts your brain to read it, the type of writing that you think to yourself only one word (“WHY?!”), the type of writing that absolutely needs to be buried very far underground so as to not harm other people with it’s harmful UV rays. Then when you say that their story could use some improvement, you are somehow at fault for not “understanding their vision.” Well yes, I suppose you’re right. I couldn’t understand your horrible, awful, atrocity of a vision. I apologize that when I read stories I expect to be entertained, not in physical pain. My bad.

This is supposed to be a list though, right? Then let’s get a-listing (not to be confused with A-Listing) on trends of bad writings and things that if you want to be a better writer, you’ll avoid.

Number One: Character Naming

If you’re writing a story, you probably have characters in it. Characters are a key part of any story (unless it has no characters, then it’s really more of a poem) and as a result these characters have names. Naming characters is a difficult thing to do, and trust me I am well aware of the difficulty. I can’t name characters for shit, so trust me I know your pain.

So there you are naming your character and you start going through names in your head. “What should I name my protagonist? Should I name him Randy…maybe Henry…what about Johnathan…or Candy. Yeah, maybe he’s a stripper. No wait, that’s not right…” You’re desperately trying to come up with something decent, so you start thinking of names of other characters you enjoy.

This may or may not be you, but this is a lot of other prospective writers. Confused as to what I’m about to talk about? Well, what I am saying is that there are people who thoroughly enjoy watching japanese animation. As such, the characters in these stories have japanese names such as Sakura or Me Llamo Biscuit. Then it hits you like way too many bricks falling on you (Any number greater than zero bricks is way too many bricks); what if you were to name your character something cool like that?

It’s perfect! You’re writing a story about a kid who grew up in the suburbs of Arkansas, he’s lived with his mother and father (Julia and Bobbert, respectively) and it’s only natural that they would name their child Ichigo. All normal American parents name their pure American child born in America on American soil in an American hospital living in an American city with their American relatives something¬† as un-American as possible.

Number Two: Setting, Setting, Setting

Your story has its characters now, but these characters have to interact somewhere right? What’s a story without a setting, a place for the action to take place? Now it’s time for you to make that difficult decision, so you think to yourself what’s the easiest place you can write about. Unfortunately, this is probably your thought process: “Hmm, so I go to school. I could make my character be a student and then something ca-razy happens that turns his life in school into being way ca-razy.” You are of course well aware that ca-razy is a sub-branch of plain old vanilla crazy.

Your idea of writing about a character that goes to school, however, has been overdone. It’s been beaten to death, been turned into the worst type of “new writer cliche”, been beaten to death by Colonel Mustard with the candle in the living room. It’s understandable that people would choose a school as their setting, because what do teenagers know better than the angst-filled public education institute that they are currently presiding at. So they’ll place their character in their “made up” angst-filled public education institute where they will undergo many angst-filled public education institute situations, possibly they are shunned or embarassed by other angst-filled students at the angst-filled public education institute.

I’m here to tell you that your idea is boring as shit (if you hadn’t caught that already). What’s the way to remedy this? It’s very easy, avoid writing angsty stories about angsty teenagers at angsty schools with angsty teachers. This is not to say that your setting couldn’t be a school, but think to yourself whether or not it really has to be a school. Your story is about a teenager (possibly filled with angst) who is seemingly normal. Your character meets a “suspicious” person and suddenly their world is turned “upside-down” because now they have all these special powers and the government is very racist against special-powered people and they don’t believe they should be married because they feel that marriage should be between a man and a woman…

Whoa, whoops! Got a little side-tracked there! What I am trying to say is that your setting doesn’t necessarily have to be in a school. For example, your story could be just as effective if performed in (why not?) the Sahara Desert! Your character could be a teenager (possibly filled with angst) who is seemingly normal in the desert. Your character meets a “suspicious” cactus and suddenly their world is turned into nothing new because they still live in the desert. This might sound different than your original idea, but the plusses are that it takes place in the desert.

Number Three: Pitiful Attempts at Humor

You probably think you’re a funny person. You remember very clearly that time you were out with your friends and you did something that barely qualifies as mildly amusing and suddenly you’ve decided that today you’ll work on your life-long dream of being a stand-up comic. This is nothing like yesterday where you decided to fulfill your life-long dream of being an artist, no this is completely different. Now it’s the next day, and you’ve figured out that your life-long dream since you were a small child has been to become a writer (duh). Why not combine the best of both worlds though? You want to write stories but you want to make people chuckle to themselves in the process. Maybe your story is very serious (possibly in the desert?) but there are openings for humor.

So you begin to write in a blaze of poorly written fire. You start writing your story and also try and add a few “chortle-startles” as you call them when not in the vicinity of anyone you know to breathe oxygen. You take a look at your first chapter and you think to yourself (possibly in the desert?) that you are the most hilarious writer to have ever existed. Unfortunately, your first chapter has almost no content at all and is simply just a sea of poorly written jokes, horrible punchlines, unhumorous situations, and (if you took my advice) the desert.

How do you remedy this? There are some ways to do so. The first and most obvious remedy is to stop trying to be so goddamn funny you horrible excuse for a comedy writer. Not everyone can write humor, it’s not a skill that every writer is capable of. It’s not easy to write in a way that’ll produce a chuckle, and then on top of that there’s always the possibility that the type of humor you are writing does not appeal to the reader. Trust me when I say this is a real problem, especially when you are deciding whether or not you want to attempt a certain type of humor. “What if the reader doesn’t enjoy it? What if they hate it? What if they get offended?” These are things I used to ask myself before I said fuck it and decided to write the type of humor that I wanted to write (specifically, good humor).

The other way to remedy this is to put humor but don’t put the amount of humor you initially forced in there. There’s a second part to this remedy as well, and that is to ask several people to read over your work and ask them whether or not they think the humor is good, helping, or detrimental to the storyline. Slapping in a joke in the scene where a pair of camels are ripping the protagnist’s best friend in half is not a good idea.

Number Four: Novels of Description within the Novel

Confused by what I am saying? You won’t be as soon as I explain it to you. I want to ask you if you have read any bad stories lately. You probably have because it’s staring back at you on your computer screen. Let me ask you this then, does this look in any way familiar?

“Becky entered the room desert walking pretty fast-like and stuff. She had golden blonde hair with curly pigtails with blue ribbons in her hair. She was wearing a red t-shirt that says ‘Show me da money’ with white squigglies on the sleeves and her pants were faded blue jeans that were bejewled to say her name only the person who bejeweled it misspelled her name as ‘Bucket’. She was wearing white sneakers with rainbow laces and she had painted on them to make them look prettier. Her skin was tanned because of the hot sun and now she was sweating and she had this look on her face like she didn’t really want to be in the sun but now that she was in the sun she sort of had no choice. There she was, there stood Becky.

Becky is also about five foot, eight inches tall and she was sort of lanky with a lot of freckles on her face…”

There is one question that comes to mind when you read this “excerpt” that I just wrote up right now: “Who gives a fuck?” Is Becky that important that we have to care so much about the excruciating detail of her apparel? That next paragraph better end in, “Then Becky was stabbed by fifty muggers Saharan thieves and she died what experts would call the most painful death that any human could ever experience,” because that is what everyone was hoping would happen the second Becky’s stupid face was mentioned.

Ease up on the detail when describing characters. Detail is good and all, but too much detail and every single one of your characters is going to have to end up like Becky for your story to even survive past Chapter Three.

So what now? I’ve explained some things you should avoid when writing, but your story probably still is lacking! Well, unfortunately I can’t help you in this one post alone. So what is Jamison Trumpets going to do for you? We’ll keep you in suspense (just like any desert-themed book would do) and continue with our insights on writing and how to improve it.

Do you have any suggestions or ideas that writers should generally avoid or be cautious around? Want to see your idea on this list come to life with my own personal brand of horrible writing? Shoot me an e-mail at jamisontrumpets@gmail.com and if it’s spot on or good enough, you’ll see it in an upcoming post (with your name in “da credits”) and you can brag to all your friends how you showed up on a no-name blog written by somebody who nobody really knows!

Now See Here Whippahsnappah…

October 3rd, 2009 by DanielRGT

Whippersnapper is a word commonly used by old people to refer to young people that are, purportedly, “on their lawn” or “ruining their begonias.” Why am I even telling you this? Because yesterday, while in my dorm, I got into a row with a guy (I’m a college student, so of course he is in fact a college student as well). The row had nothing to do with anything important, I simply got the last bag of chips that he wanted.

Anyway, short story even shorter, he called me a faggot. I’m used to this as I call people faggots all the time, so it’s not hard to imagine what being called one is like. I told him that I’m sorry but I got there first, blah blah blah, I was super polite.

He then said this exact phrase, and I assure you I am not shitting you:

“Stupid whippahsnappahs taking my fuckin’ bags uh’ chips.”

I was in disbelief because I couldn’t really believe he called me a whippersnapper. Nobody in their right mind calls another fellow college student a whippersnapper. Hell, the whippersnapper phase is making its way out for old people even. If you were to go to an old person and say the word whippersnapper they would most definitely say, “Whippersnapper? What are you some sort of faggot (fagget)?”

This also verifies my theory that old people are getting cooler and cooler as time passes.

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