January 1st, 2010 by Jamison T. Rumpets
It’s the new year friends. The year 2010, it’s been 10 years after the dreaded Y2K which so rightly “fucked our shit up” when all of our systems failed, our computers fried, our babies had babies, and Linkin Park was named “best band of all time.”
Whoa! Calm down there sir, there’s no need to start hyperventilating. You need not worry, none of the shit I just said ever happened. Y2K didn’t happen, all of our systems were fine (their blue screens shining as blue as ever!), our computers didn’t fry, our babies decided that abstinence was the way to go and put on their chastity belts, and Linkin Park was still fucking awful. This is something you can take comfort in.
It’s been a whole decade after that ordeal, and there are a lot of things racing through your mind. The first and foremost most likely being where can you get yourselves one of those dope ass segways. I can’t answer that question unfortunately, because for me to reveal that secret would be condeming you to a life of solitary confinement in which you would be forced to watch me ride one around. You’d probably ask me something like, “Can I get a turn?” and I’d simply scoff at your ridiculous question.
Of course you can’t have a fucking turn it’s my goddamn segway.
With this new year you’re probably thinking of some resolutions. Most people often have resolutions that sound realistic and achievable, but the person never ends up completing them. You’ll be sitting there on the couch pondering your New Year’s based fantasies and you think, “My resolution this year will be to lose a little weight and exercise a little more.”
Sounds reasonable right? You would think so, but in fact the complete opposite happens. The person, instead of eating less, hires a group of burly men to drive forklifts of delicious food into your mouth. Instead of exercising more, you lead a political campaign proposing that treadmills should be made to work in camps and should be stripped of all rights. The end result is that you end up buying several plots of land just to contain your fatass to property you own.
You can be a complete jerk sometimes.
I think instead of making reasonable sounding resolutions, you should strive to make your resolution as inachievable and farfetched as possible. At the end of the day instead of owning your own mobile cheese-grating robot companion, being president of the nega-universe (a different yet equally related sub-division of what is referred to as the “regullah ol’ universe”), and opening one of those ridiculously hard to open protective packaging that comes with shit you really want to use right at this very moment but you can’t because it is currently being protected by like 8 super-layers of plastic and titanium, you will instead have found a quarter on the ground, own one of those cool yet still sort of lame dog robots that breaks within 2 days, and have acquired a box of already used batteries.
A year well spent I would say.
Tags: 2010, anime, eve, games, happy, jamison trumpets, new, segways, ten, thousand, trumpet, trumpets, two, two thousand, video, video games, year
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December 5th, 2009 by Jamison T. Rumpets
So I’ve returned home and for reasons I’m not going to go into detail about, I don’t have a computer to keep ol’ Jamison Trumpets as active as I would like.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll try and get a good blog post every now and then but I don’t have a computer to do any blogging. For that matter, I don’t have a computer to do anything interesting.
This may sadden some of you, but there’s nothing I can do about it. You’ll have to make due without me for a couple weeks, months, maybe longer. Who knows at this point.
With holiday braps,
Jamison T. Rumpets (Daniel Rivera)
Tags: anime, Blog, computers, games, haaaaelp, haaeaeaeaeeelp, haelp, halp, help, jamison, post, s.o.s., trumpets, video
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November 20th, 2009 by Jamison T. Rumpets
Jamison was hard at work in his office just last night when suddenly an anonymous phone call came in. Of course, this was very suspicious so just to be sure we recorded the conversation. Here is a transcript of the conversation:
Jamison Trumpets: *brap*?
Anonymous Phone Caller: I have some information that may interest you.
JT: *brap*
APC: Your recent article on John Donahue and his love for vampires has brought about something bigger than you thought.
JT: *brap*
APC: I know what you’re thinking, but this information is legit.
JT: *brap*
APC: How can you trust me? Don’t I sound trustworthy?
JT: *brap*
APC: Well I don’t see how she has anything to do with this…
JT: *brap*
APC: Well…I suppose…
JT: *brap*
APC: Low blow man…low blow…
JT: …
APC: Since you seem so eager to get this information, how about we work out a deal? How’s $100 for this information sound?
JT: *brap*
APC: How is that unreasonable?
JT: *brap*
APC: But I enjoy my kneecaps…
JT: *brap*
APC: Fine, fine, fine! How about I lower it to $75?
JT: …..*brap*
APC: Well no, I’m not particularly fond of dying…
JT: *brap*
APC: Ok! Fine! You win! $25!
JT: *brap*
APC: You still won’t take that!? What else do you want? I’m not giving this away for free you know!
JT: *brap*
APC: Oh…well I guess that technically isn’t free… though I don’t see how me paying you 20 dollars for this information that I have is in any way fair.
JT: *brap*
APC: You’re more informed than I thought… I thought nobody knew about my love for antique toilets. I’ll give you the 20 dollars later…do you want this information?
JT: *brap*!
APC: The John Donahue story has brought to light something even more disconcerting. You thought he was only delving into the forbidden fruit that is vampires, when you couldn’t be more wrong. Not only is he into vampires, he’s into werewolves as well.
JT: *brap*?
APC: I’m not lying! I have photographic evidence! The man we knew as John Donahue is no longer a human…at this point he must have evolved into a new species: the wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: I know it sounds ridiculous, I know! But listen, you need to check your e-mail. I’ve sent you the photograph on there, I expect you to expose the wolfpires for what they really are: a bunch of big gay neenies.
JT: *brap*
APC: I’m not a wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: No really, I swear I’m not a wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: Fine I’m a wolfpire. Except not really.
JT: *brap*
APC: Fuck you.
CALL ENDED
The conversation was suspicious certainly, but the facts check out. John Donahue has ascended to wolfpirehood, that is to say he is both a werewolf and a vampire. His status as a human is long since lost and such should be considered extremely dangerous! If he offers to check your neck for any cancerous moles or offers you a moonlit stroll on the beach, JUST SAY NO! Alternately, you can Stop, Drop, and Roll to safety. Wolfpires have been known to find this action confusing, and as such you have ample time to flee.
To prove that Donahue has achieved this special status, we present to you the conclusive evidence that he’s delving into what other wolfpires would refer to as “sweet, delicious, werewolf lovin’”.
 K-I-S-S-I-N-G You see this filth? This news writes itself, John is no longer safe to be with. You see the flash drive in his hands? It’s not holding school data as we once thought, it’s in fact holding the love letters sent between him and Jacob during his night class on Tuesdays. You may be thinking we know a little bit too much about John, but that’s our job as a news reporter. We must report the facts, even if they can sound stalkerish and creepy.
To give you a little understanding on how Wolfpires make sense, let’s have a little explanation. First, Wolfpires originate from the two words: Werewolf and Empire State Building. The reason for the latter is because vampires love tall buildings. John has spent time with both Edward and Jacob, and as such his DNA structure has changed entirely. He no longer has innocent thoughts of becoming an astronaut, or of dressing up like Batman and masquerading around town in a hilarious montage.
Instead, John now spends his time daydreaming of wearing dark cloaks and his fake vampire teeth (until he grows his own pair of course) and sneaking up on Edward and Jacob to play “innocent” pranks on them. All of these pranks almost always end with vulgar results. That’s right, you guessed it: they begin to do each others taxes. It’s sickening really (Taxes that is. I guess vampires too.), having to watch them sit there with their graphing calculators.
After spending time with Edward, John will sneak out and go to his favorite spot in the woods to meet up with his love on the side, Jacob. Once there, John gives Jacob legal advice. This is just gross, and as such I will not go into further detail.
Now that I’ve exposed John for what he really is, you may be worried that us here at the Times will be in danger ourselves of the oncoming onslaught of wolfpires. That’s ok though, because we have knowledge of a wolfpire’s one weakness: not giving them a high five.
That’s right, wolfpires are desperate for high fives, to the point where they will whore themselves out just to get a high five. Odds are if you’ve ever purchased a “street walker” (which we here at the Times certainly do not condone, especially on the corner of 24th and Palm) and she/he asks you for a high five right after they are probably a wolfpire and as a result you should run the fuck away.
After all, if you don’t they might start doing your taxes.
Tags: a, anime, bad, book, breaking, computers, donahue, games, is, jamison, john, john donahue, new, news, species, trumpet, trumpets, twilight, twilight sucks, vampire, vampires, video, video games, werewolf, werewolves, wolfpire, wolfpires
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November 3rd, 2009 by Jamison T. Rumpets
Recently, I picked up the game Killing Floor on Steam. I’m not going to go into great detail about how I think the game is or what the game can do (you can do that by yourself you lazy whore), but it’s a pretty good game that’s been keeping me entertained for a little bit. In short, the game is a zombie shooter that works in “waves”, that is to say you must survive for several numbers of waves of zombies to survive until the “boss” zombie, then if you defeat him the map is over and you are taken to a new map. That’s the premise in short, and there’s some XP leveling up bullshit but that’s going way too far into the game and I’m sticking by my “you-look-it-up-goddamnit” policy.
Now in contrast, there’s a game like Left 4 Dead. Fans of this game look at Killing Floor and their giant floppy boner (this is not oxymoronic, this is simply a comment on the type of people who have hard ons for L4D) for Left 4 Dead goes nuts. They become Jason Stavin’ Angry, saying Killing Floor is just a cheap knockoff of Left 4 Dead and how Left 4 Dead is a much much better game and how if you play Killing Floor you’re just a great big ol’ faggot.
Classy ladies over on the Left 4 Dead side.
Meanwhile on the Killing Floor side there’s a bunch of indy gamer cockasses who go “Left 4 Dead is such bullshit (Translation: Left 4 Dead is too mainstream), Killing Floor is the best zombie fucking shooter ever goddamnit. You play Left 4 Dead? Fuck Left 4 Dead, I see a Left 4 Dead player I kill ‘em.”
In short, it’s two fanboys to two games throwing their shit at each other.
My opinion of the matter is this: Killing Floor and Left 4 Dead are two different games. The only thing they have in common are zombies and guns. Comparing these two games when they are built to be two different games and are two different games is the dumbest thing. One is a campaign story-based multiplayer first-person zombie shooter. The other is a wave based RPG first-person zombie shooter.
Now if you simply comparing them as “games” then fine, you can say “I like this Killing Floor/Left 4 Dead better than Killing Floor/Left 4 Dead.” But that can be said in the same way that I believe that Street Fighter is a far superior game to that of Qbert (and as such, all Qbert fans can suck my dick. Respectively.)
It’s time to head over to the second part of this blog post, which is also zombie related: Left 4 Dead 2. I played the demo over the weekend and here are my thoughts:
- -It’s like Left 4 Dead.
- -Like, exactly like it.
- -Ok, I know it’s the sequel but maybe it could be a bit more different.
- -Model changes do not constitute “different.”
- -Ok, well I mean I guess you can pick up melee weapons now and hit shit with them. That’s cool I guess.
- -25% more black people.
- -I’m not racist.
- -Nor am I gay.
- -There’s new weapons.
- -They shoot bullets.
- -Ironically I am talking in bullet points.
- -That was a horrible pun.
- -Couldn’t it just be a little different?
- -There’s a football playing infected who charges your ass.
- -He only knows how to run in a straight line though.
- -So if you get hit by him you’re awful.
- -You got hit by him didn’t you.
- -You’re awful.
- -I mean there could be SOME differences.
- -Oops I didn’t pre-order it I don’t get showered in Valve presents.
- -The sky is much bluer.
- -Ok, I guess that’s because it takes place during the day instead of at night.
- -Fuck you for pointing that out fag.
- -No goddamn differences.
That’s what I think. Suck it Qbert fans.
Tags: 2, 4, and, anime, compare, contrast, dead, dethklan, first, floor, for, fps, games, idiots, killing, left, people, person, shooter, shooters, stupid, two, video, video games, zombie, zombies
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July 22nd, 2009 by Jamison T. Rumpets
So I wasn’t at Evolution 2009, but goddamn every particle of me wanted to be there. I was at Evolution 2008 which was probably one of the greatest things I’ve ever been to, and I only know that Evolution 2009 would’ve topped it easily. I’m personally pissed that I wasn’t able to go, but hey when you don’t have enough money there’s not much you can do other than suck dick (I didn’t do that in case you were wondering, it’s pretty much just your only option unfortunately).
My friend Andres (nothingxs) qualified out of his HD Remix brackets in order to make the semi-finals for it, which is a first for him and I’m really happy to hear that he got out of the pool especially in winners. Unfortunately, he had to play Lag Fighter HD Remix and ended up losing after that. It sucks, but shit like that happens.
Quite honestly, EVO always inspires me to become a better player and I really feel like I want to work hard at the games and get good enough to be at least slightly known. Odds are that won’t happen for awhile though, but as long as it happens one day I’ll be happy.
Speaking of EVO, the final match (and the whole tournament for that matter) between Justin Wong and Daigo Umehara were hype as shit. Justin Wong picked Abel against Daigo’s Ryu, and unfortunately lost every time (Daigo ended up knocking Justin to losers this way). Then, when Justin climbed through losers and got into the Grand Finals he picked Abel for a round, lost, and picked Balrog (Boxer). As soon as I saw that he picked boxer, I knew there were going to be some hype matches. Justin’s Rog was on point, and gave Daigo a ton of trouble for what would be the hypest grand finals for any game I’ve ever fucking seen.
Also, no joke, EVO cured my acne. That’s whats up bitches.
Tags: EVO, evolution, fighter, fighting, games, jamison, las vegas, me, rio, street, trumpet, trumpets, vegas, video, video games
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