Jamison Trumpets

Dreamhack, SRK, and Why People's Opinions Are Stupid

November 29th, 2011 by DanielRGT

Some would say that I like to browse the internet. This is not entirely incorrect, but one of the main sites that I browse/peruse would definitely be the fighting game community’s center hub of Shoryuken.com also known as SRK. Recently, SRK has had an influx of new writers adding new content for them. They had a hiring and I guess these are the people they chose for the job.

They should reconsider their position on these new writers.

Despite this blog post’s title, I am not opposed to people having opinions. Opinions are great. They stir up debate and (occasionally) create fodder for some really dope ass conversations. I am fully in support of such products. Where opinions become bullshit is when people’s opinions are fucking retarded.

You may be saying, “You can’t say that about opinions! They are opinions, everyone is entitled to them!” You would be right except for the part where you are wrong. Everyone is entitled, nay privileged, to having a butt. People use their butt for many things, primarily they use it to defecate. The majority of people, and I use the word majority with the deepest expression of sadness on my face, use their butt to insert things into it. I’m not taking a shot at homosexuals, I’m saying that people take the time to put shit (not literally, because actually shit is the only thing that should exist in a butt) up their butt that has no business being up there.

My point is that people are entitled to their opinions, but that doesn’t mean that their opinion makes any fucking sense. Which brings me to the point of my article. Recently on SRK, there was a post concerning DreamHack, a huge competitive gaming exposition. Since SRK is a fighting game website (primarily), the post concerns the fact that in the middle of the Starcraft II semi-finals, they ran the Super Street Fighter 4 AE Grand Finals.

The tone of the SRK post is mostly disbelief that people watching could be so upset at such an event. The SRK article quotes a tweet made by an irate Starcraft II fan which states the following:

@terranfromtheyear5000: When you watch the Superbowl, They don’t play have [sic] the MLB World Series at half time do they? I want SC2, that is all.

The article quotes this tweet more in jest than anything, as if to say, “Check out this tweet made by a complete retard. This guy is wrong. The issue here is that this guy is absolutely correct.

Please don’t misunderstand, I love fighting games and I enjoy Starcraft II a lot as well. I think both games are incredible spectator sports as well as incredible games to play competitively as well. I think the issue stems in the ridiculous time slot the Grand Finals of SSF4:AE existed in. It was clearly placed there as if to say, “Hey guys check out this game! We’re relevant please look at me. 🙁 “

While I definitely agree that Starcraft II is astronomically more popular than fighting games as a whole, I don’t think that fighting games have to resort to ridiculous ploys such as that to attract fans and viewers. In fact, these types of shenanigans just make the fighting game community look bad as a whole. It makes it look like the guy who desperately seeks attention at all possible moments of the day. We all know that guy, he’s the person who in the middle of a party will do a headstand or start break dancing to get enormous amounts of awkward attention. Most people are in agreement that we fucking hate that guy.

Fighting games don’t have to resort to doing headstands at awkward moments during gaming expositions, they are already growing at an exponential rate. I only joined the fighting game community in late 2007 (basically right before Street Fighter IV came out) and the fighting game community has nothing but quadrupled, if not quintupled since my entrance. I can’t take credit for all of it (or any of it for that matter), but fighting games are not so deep in the mud as far as interest and hype that we have to sandwich our Grand Finals in between other games’ semi-finals.

Yet the whole SRK article consists of nothing but snotty “pishaw” attitudes and quoting “sensible people in the Starcraft community” to try and push its absolutely fucking retarded point. All the while they quote djWHEAT, who is not specifically someone in the Starcraft community. djWHEAT has been engrossed in the fighting came community for a long time, he’s just not as knowledgeable about fighting games as he is about Starcraft.

While I agree that e-sports are e-sports, and therefore Starcraft players shouldn’t complain about the existence of other games the biggest issue is the time slot in which the game was placed in. I could make the same analogy that the guy in the twitter post made, but he’s absolutely correct. If I’m watching Scrubs, I don’t want to watch ER sandwiched in the middle of my Scrubs episode. If I’m watching basketball, I sure as hell better not see any fucking hockey anywhere or I will go apeshit.

The time slots for these games should have been placed separately. Period. End. Starcraft from X o’clock to Y o’clock and Street Fighter from Z o’clock to A o’clock. Stop trying to support headstands fighting game community, I know we’re better than that.

Want to see Jamison Trumpets play fighting games? He goes by the handle DanielRGT when playing, check him sometimes on Monday’s at Option-Select’s Mixup Monday Stream.

Castlevania: Haelp I'm Confused

May 19th, 2010 by DanielRGT

There’s a lot to be said about Castlevania. There are castles, certainly, and on top of that some obscure and unidentifiable substance known as “vania.” On top of that, there’s Dracula (or his surprise twist of a son, Alucard), Death, zombies, ghosts, zombie-ghosts, ghost-axemen, axemen-zombies, medusa heads, and fishmen.

It was certainly an original game when it came out for the NES, but when people go around spouting how good these games were, I get a little confused. The first source of my confusion stems from the fact that all old castlevania games, without fail, are fucking awful. I mean it, they’re really bad. Like any movie with Pauly Shore bad.

The old games, using a mixture of brilliant game design and mechanics, bring together the best parts and memories of falling in pits of water (and subsequently dying), attempting to hit some unreachable enemy (Spoiler: He can hit you), getting hit by random flying medusa heads or other related projectiles and falling in previously-mentioned pits of water, and attempting to jump across a chasm that was specifically built to harbor your doom.

Actually the only thing these games really have going for them, which is probably why people enjoy them so, is because of their exceptional music. It’s actually beyond exceptional, but I don’t want to spend several lines having a figurative boner over these tunes, so suffice to say the music is excellent. Which brings me to why I believe people play these games.

Good music in a game has a powerful effect on people. There are games I have played longer than I really should have (such as Castlevania) because of their music. Hell, I will sometimes even leave the game on, not move my character, and go and do something else because I want to listen to the music.

This does not, however, tell me that the game is good. If the game is a piece of ass, the music will not suddenly turn the game into a masterpiece. On the contrary, I feel pity for the game because it had such good music but was left to be a miserable pile of shit that not even its own mother could love.

This does not explain, however, why people like old Castlevania games. Pretty much everything before Symphony of the Night is an awful game and should feel awful, but you will see over and over again how much people liked the first Castlevania, how Castlevania 4 is the best game ever to have existed ever always, how Richter would look so cool in my apartment.

I’ve got to tell you I’m sick of it. Good music does not make up for poor gameplay and horrible jumping mechanics. Actually the only old Castlevania game with okay jump mechanics IS Super Castlevania 4, which is probably why people tend to enjoy it so much. It’s not a very good game, but even a pile of dirt will shine gold if compared to the previous piles of excrement you saw earlier.

So it Turns Out the Holidays are Further Down the Block

December 15th, 2009 by DanielRGT

Continuing with Jamison’s Braptastic Trumpetmas Exbrapaganza we feel it’s time to think about that special someone in your life. It’s almost time for you to sit around the tree, hand each other the special gifts you bought each other, open them up, and immediately ask for the receipt.

Odds are, however, that you want to avoid having to return that awful sweater you just got. Your significant other is already burning the present you got them, and Trumpetmas is over with both of you having split up. You’re sick  of this happening every time, you want some continuity in your life, you want to be able  to hold a girl/boyfriend for more than 4 fucking weeks.

Let Jamison Trumpets inform you on fantastic gift ideas to set that romantic mood that you’re aiming for. You know what I’m talking about, right? The kind of gift that when s/he opens it the room immediately transforms (in true Transformers style) into a sexy bedroom with the tacky heart-shaped bed and some Barry White playing on the stereo that you clearly do not own.

Foolproof Gift Idea #1: Dieting Books

Nothing says “I love you” more than the very non-subtle message that you feel the forklift being used to carry her around the house is making it hard to watch the big game. Getting her some dieting books will give her the inspiration she needs to chase you down and beat you with a week old baguette, and the exercise she gets will make the fat drop off her like burnt wax off of a lit candle.

Don’t worry, once she catches you she won’t be fat enough to eat you anymore so you won’t have to worry about that. I’d worry about the butcher knife she now holds in her hand. Ha Ha! Don’t worry, I bet she doesn’t want both your arms.

Foolproof Gift Idea #2: A new girlfriend

Never mind how you got her in that tiny box you handed to her, she’ll be ecstatic to see that you have a new girlfriend because she’s probably still mad about your fantastic birthday gift idea of a ladel. If you’re really lucky she’ll have already left you before Trumpetmas began!

Be careful though, you might get that girlfriend who wouldn’t find it very classy to give her a new girlfriend. After all, what’s she going to do with that dead body you just gave her considering you’ve had that present under the tree since December 3rd? No wonder the house smelled so bad!

Foolproof Gift Idea #3: Dirt

It’s dirt

What else could you ask for this Trumpetmas? Good will towards men? Too bad, looks like Sears is all out of good will towards men I’m afraid! You’ll have to settle with mild discontent towards men.

That concludes this edition of Jamison’s Braptastic Trumpetmas Exbrapaganza. Keep updated with us as  we present to you more fantastic gift ideas this holiday!

The Holidays are Around the Corner…

December 14th, 2009 by DanielRGT

It’s the holidays and you’re probably trying to buy presents for all of those people in your life that you love from the bottom of your heart. You are also probably buying presents for your family, so you’ll probably want to try and get them something too.

Let’s be honest though, you’ve been searching for days on end trying to find that perfect gift that’ll make them not threaten lawsuits when revealed. JamisonTrumpets.com is here to let you know that we have just the gift for this Holiday season.

Jamison Trumpets proudly presents this year’s Jamison’s Braptastic Trumpetmas Exbrapaganza.

This holiday’s first gift idea is the No More Heroes/Red Steel Bundle.

There are many reasons we’ve suggested this braptastic bundle. The first and foremost reason being that No More Heroes is an excellent game that every Wii owner should have. It’s combined use of excellent, innovative gameplay and fantastic visual style the game is a must-have. For more information on this fantastic game, fucking google it.

You’re probably wondering about the other game with the bundle. “Red Steel? Isn’t that game awful?” The answer is, of course, yes. That’s not you get this bundle though. Red Steel has many uses outside of just sticking in your Wii and playing it. Let Jamison Trumpets show just some of what you can do with this fantastic circular disc.

#1 Red Steel Ultimate Frisbee League

Let’s face it, you’ve probably been around a college campus or the park and seen a bunch of guys (with a percent chance of bros) throwing their frisbee around. We’re here to tell you to stop living a boring one track life and think outside the box. Walk up to those guys playing frisbee, grab the frisbee, and break that shit in half. Make sure that while they are beating the fuck out of you, you mention that you’ll find them a replacement frisbee, a better one.

This is where you present the idea of the Red Steel Ultimate Frisbee League. Come back to the group of frisbee enthusiasts, present your prized frisbee, and get the league started. Make sure that the winning team all recevies copies of No More Heroes! We here at Jamison Trumpets have no problem shamelessly advertising games we like!

#2 Coaster

Let’s face it, while you are playing No More Heroes you’re going to get thirsty. You bring back your cup filled with Dr. Pepper and you suddenly realize you’re in quite the predicament: where the fuck are you going to put your drink? To avoid putting moisture rings on the table, you’ll need a coaster. Unfortunately, your house hasn’t seen a coaster since the Great Coaster War of 1998.

This is where your copy of Red Steel comes in. Red Steel is just the right size and shape to be used as your drink coaster, and as such you can put that game to good use as such.

#3 Hockey Puck

Let me tell you what I think o f hockey. I fucking hate hockey. “Fuck hockey” is something I often say to the priest at my church before being thrown out for drinking all the wine. It’s a boring sport and it’s not that interesting. However, using Red Steel as a hockey puck is something I wholeheartedly approve.

Let’s be clear about this though. I don’t approve of hockey, I simply approve on beating Red Steel with large sticks.

#4 Ninja Star

Red Steel isn’t jagged, pointed, or sharp in any way. This doesn’t change the fact that it can be used as an effective ninja star. While odds are that the person getting hit will not be physically injured in any way, the emotional trauma they will suffer after having just received a copy of Red Steel will be enough to scar them for the rest of their life.

To counteract the trauma and social ostracization you can direct that person to this article so they can find uses for their new copy of Red Steel. Obviously if you aren’t too fond of the person, you can always suggest that they play the game on their Wii.

#5 Telescope

You’ve always wondered what was in the great beyond. Stars, planets, galaxies, the universe is yours for the taking. There’s a problem though, how can you see all those things when they are so itty-bitty when you look up at the night sky. Look no further Captain Kirk, Red Steel is here to provide telescopic sustenance.

Using Red Steel as a telescope, you can look up at the night sky and see the stars. Rumors have been surging around the internet that suggest that if you squint hard enough, you can even see the moon at night. The Hubble Space Telescope? That’s baby shit compared to Red Steel‘s telescopic power.

Well there you have it, that’s the first gift suggestion of Jamison’s Braptastic Trumpetmas Exbrapaganza. Stay tuned as we suggest more gifts before the holidays are over!

Left 4 Dead (2), Killing Floor, and Et Ceterated Bullshit

November 3rd, 2009 by DanielRGT

Recently, I picked up the game Killing Floor on Steam. I’m not going to go into great detail about how I think the game is or what the game can do (you can do that by yourself you lazy whore), but it’s a pretty good game that’s been keeping me entertained for a little bit. In short, the game is a zombie shooter that works in “waves”, that is to say you must survive for several numbers of waves of zombies to survive until the “boss” zombie, then if you defeat him the map is over and you are taken to a new map. That’s the premise in short, and there’s some XP leveling up bullshit but that’s going way too far into the game and I’m sticking by my “you-look-it-up-goddamnit” policy.

Now in contrast, there’s a game like Left 4 Dead. Fans of this game look at Killing Floor and their giant floppy boner (this is not oxymoronic, this is simply a comment on the type of people who have hard ons for L4D) for Left 4 Dead goes nuts. They become Jason Stavin’ Angry, saying Killing Floor is just a cheap knockoff of Left 4 Dead and how Left 4 Dead is a much much better game and how if you play Killing Floor you’re just a great big ol’ faggot.

Classy ladies over on the Left 4 Dead side.

Meanwhile on the Killing Floor side there’s a bunch of indy gamer cockasses who go “Left 4 Dead is such bullshit (Translation: Left 4 Dead is too mainstream), Killing Floor is the best zombie fucking shooter ever goddamnit. You play Left 4 Dead? Fuck Left 4 Dead, I see a Left 4 Dead player I kill ’em.”

In short, it’s two fanboys to two games throwing their shit at each other.

My opinion of the matter is this: Killing Floor and Left 4 Dead are two different games. The only thing they have in common are zombies and guns. Comparing these two games when they are built to be two different games and are two different games is the dumbest thing. One is a campaign story-based multiplayer first-person zombie shooter. The other is a wave based RPG first-person zombie shooter.

Now if you simply comparing them as “games” then fine, you can say “I like this Killing Floor/Left 4 Dead better than Killing Floor/Left 4 Dead.” But that can be said in the same way that I believe that Street Fighter is a far superior game to that of Qbert (and as such, all Qbert fans can suck my dick. Respectively.)

It’s time to head over to the second part of this blog post, which is also zombie related: Left 4 Dead 2. I played the demo over the weekend and here are my thoughts:

  • -It’s like Left 4 Dead.
  • -Like, exactly like it.
  • -Ok, I know it’s the sequel but maybe it could be a bit more different.
  • -Model changes do not constitute “different.”
  • -Ok, well I mean I guess you can pick up melee weapons now and hit shit with them. That’s cool I guess.
  • -25% more black people.
  • -I’m not racist.
  • -Nor am I gay.
  • -There’s new weapons.
  • -They shoot bullets.
  • -Ironically I am talking in bullet points.
  • -That was a horrible pun.
  • -Couldn’t it just be a little different?
  • -There’s a football playing infected who charges your ass.
  • -He only knows how to run in a straight line though.
  • -So if you get hit by him you’re awful.
  • -You got hit by him didn’t you.
  • -You’re awful.
  • -I mean there could be SOME differences.
  • -Oops I didn’t pre-order it I don’t get showered in Valve presents.
  • -The sky is much bluer.
  • -Ok, I guess that’s because it takes place during the day instead of at night.
  • -Fuck you for pointing that out fag.
  • -No goddamn differences.

That’s what I think. Suck it Qbert fans.

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