Jamison Trumpets

Welcome to the REAL Miami

January 6th, 2010 by DanielRGT

Heat! Sand! Ocean! Scantily-Clad Women! These are the things that people think of when they think of living life in Miami. Well I’m here to tell you that there are still also people who think that the world is flat.

Miami isn’t anything like this. I don’t know who started this clearly flawed rumor, but I would like a refund on my purchase because my life could definitely use some more scantily-clad women. People probably get this misconception of Miami from a place called “South Beach.”

I’ve only ever been there once, but as the name implies there is a beach and it is somewhere in the southern part of someplace that can exist as the southern part of something. Re-read that sentence if you didn’t quite get it because it makes perfect sense.

As I was saying, South Beach is exactly what people want from Miami. There is a beach nearby which, one would assume, has sand and an (Information still waiting to be verified) ocean. As for scantily-clad women, this information is still false.

“It’s a beach though, aren’t women wearing their super hot bathing suits?” Well, you would be right except that they aren’t wearing their bathing suits. How does this make sense? Let me repeat that for you. They would be wearing their bathing suits but they aren’t.

That’s right, I’m talking about the luscious fruit that men so frantically desire. I’m talking of course about ponchos, because unfortunately for people’s now shattered dreams it rains a lot in Miami.

When it’s not raining though, it’s what you think. Scantily-clad women as far as the eye can see, except that you’ve now clamped them shut because the wrong women are very scantily-clad.

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not being insensitive anything. I’m not saying, “Oh man that girl is ugly so I don’t want to see her in a bathing suit.” I’m talking about moms, moms in their late 40s. Moms who have had upwards of four to seven children within the past hour. These are not the type of women you want to be seeing while cruising for chicks, booze, or bags of fattening potato chips. These are the type of women you want to be seeing in parkas, layers upon layers of parkas. Even when they go to the hospital suffering from parka induced heat-stroke, you want to see at least a minimum of three parkas on her when she’s lying in her hospital bed.

But wait! I’m missing something aren’t I? That’s right, I mentioned something about heat at the beginning of this didn’t I? Well, that part about Miami is painstakingly true. It is hot in Miami, it is very hot. It is hot as fuck.

When it comes to Miami though, there’s one thing you can take comfort in. If you haven’t heard, people in Miami are dumb. When I say that, you are probably imagining a dumb person in your head. What I need you to do is imagine a person who is eight to ten times dumber than your idea of a dumb person, and then multiply that by eighty. That’s how dumb people in Miami are.

Most of this idiocy is transported directly into Miami’s driving skills. People are shitty drivers here, and it has everything to do without how dumb (and ignorantly arrogant) everyone is here. Stop signs mean a very specific thing (To stop). In Miami, the word “STOP” means a completely different thing. It means “put the pedal to the metal”, it means “GO, GO, GO”, it means do everything in the world except for the very action of stopping.

This is just a look into what Miami really is, and I wholeheartedly apologize for crushing your naive Miami-based dreams. However, if you were to donate some money you could be the one to put some parkas on those mothers.

The Holidays are Around the Corner…

December 14th, 2009 by DanielRGT

It’s the holidays and you’re probably trying to buy presents for all of those people in your life that you love from the bottom of your heart. You are also probably buying presents for your family, so you’ll probably want to try and get them something too.

Let’s be honest though, you’ve been searching for days on end trying to find that perfect gift that’ll make them not threaten lawsuits when revealed. JamisonTrumpets.com is here to let you know that we have just the gift for this Holiday season.

Jamison Trumpets proudly presents this year’s Jamison’s Braptastic Trumpetmas Exbrapaganza.

This holiday’s first gift idea is the No More Heroes/Red Steel Bundle.

There are many reasons we’ve suggested this braptastic bundle. The first and foremost reason being that No More Heroes is an excellent game that every Wii owner should have. It’s combined use of excellent, innovative gameplay and fantastic visual style the game is a must-have. For more information on this fantastic game, fucking google it.

You’re probably wondering about the other game with the bundle. “Red Steel? Isn’t that game awful?” The answer is, of course, yes. That’s not you get this bundle though. Red Steel has many uses outside of just sticking in your Wii and playing it. Let Jamison Trumpets show just some of what you can do with this fantastic circular disc.

#1 Red Steel Ultimate Frisbee League

Let’s face it, you’ve probably been around a college campus or the park and seen a bunch of guys (with a percent chance of bros) throwing their frisbee around. We’re here to tell you to stop living a boring one track life and think outside the box. Walk up to those guys playing frisbee, grab the frisbee, and break that shit in half. Make sure that while they are beating the fuck out of you, you mention that you’ll find them a replacement frisbee, a better one.

This is where you present the idea of the Red Steel Ultimate Frisbee League. Come back to the group of frisbee enthusiasts, present your prized frisbee, and get the league started. Make sure that the winning team all recevies copies of No More Heroes! We here at Jamison Trumpets have no problem shamelessly advertising games we like!

#2 Coaster

Let’s face it, while you are playing No More Heroes you’re going to get thirsty. You bring back your cup filled with Dr. Pepper and you suddenly realize you’re in quite the predicament: where the fuck are you going to put your drink? To avoid putting moisture rings on the table, you’ll need a coaster. Unfortunately, your house hasn’t seen a coaster since the Great Coaster War of 1998.

This is where your copy of Red Steel comes in. Red Steel is just the right size and shape to be used as your drink coaster, and as such you can put that game to good use as such.

#3 Hockey Puck

Let me tell you what I think o f hockey. I fucking hate hockey. “Fuck hockey” is something I often say to the priest at my church before being thrown out for drinking all the wine. It’s a boring sport and it’s not that interesting. However, using Red Steel as a hockey puck is something I wholeheartedly approve.

Let’s be clear about this though. I don’t approve of hockey, I simply approve on beating Red Steel with large sticks.

#4 Ninja Star

Red Steel isn’t jagged, pointed, or sharp in any way. This doesn’t change the fact that it can be used as an effective ninja star. While odds are that the person getting hit will not be physically injured in any way, the emotional trauma they will suffer after having just received a copy of Red Steel will be enough to scar them for the rest of their life.

To counteract the trauma and social ostracization you can direct that person to this article so they can find uses for their new copy of Red Steel. Obviously if you aren’t too fond of the person, you can always suggest that they play the game on their Wii.

#5 Telescope

You’ve always wondered what was in the great beyond. Stars, planets, galaxies, the universe is yours for the taking. There’s a problem though, how can you see all those things when they are so itty-bitty when you look up at the night sky. Look no further Captain Kirk, Red Steel is here to provide telescopic sustenance.

Using Red Steel as a telescope, you can look up at the night sky and see the stars. Rumors have been surging around the internet that suggest that if you squint hard enough, you can even see the moon at night. The Hubble Space Telescope? That’s baby shit compared to Red Steel‘s telescopic power.

Well there you have it, that’s the first gift suggestion of Jamison’s Braptastic Trumpetmas Exbrapaganza. Stay tuned as we suggest more gifts before the holidays are over!

S.O.S. – Reasons why you won't be seeing me

December 5th, 2009 by DanielRGT

So I’ve returned home and for reasons I’m not going to go into detail about, I don’t have a computer to keep ol’ Jamison Trumpets as active as I would like.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll try and get a good blog post every now and then but I don’t have a computer to do any blogging. For that matter, I don’t have a computer to do anything interesting.

This may sadden some of you, but there’s nothing I can do about it. You’ll have to make due without me for a couple weeks, months, maybe longer. Who knows at this point.

With holiday braps,

Jamison T. Rumpets (Daniel Rivera)

New Species Discovered: Wolfpires

November 20th, 2009 by DanielRGT

Jamison was hard at work in his office just last night when suddenly an anonymous phone call came in. Of course, this was very suspicious so just to be sure we recorded the conversation. Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Jamison Trumpets: *brap*?
Anonymous Phone Caller: I have some information that may interest you.
JT: *brap*
APC: Your recent article on John Donahue and his love for vampires has brought about something bigger than you thought.
JT: *brap*
APC: I know what you’re thinking, but this information is legit.
JT: *brap*
APC: How can you trust me? Don’t I sound trustworthy?
JT: *brap*
APC: Well I don’t see how she has anything to do with this…
JT: *brap*
APC: Well…I suppose…
JT: *brap*
APC: Low blow man…low blow…
JT:
APC: Since you seem so eager to get this information, how about we work out a deal? How’s $100 for this information sound?
JT: *brap*
APC: How is that unreasonable?
JT: *brap*
APC: But I enjoy my kneecaps…
JT: *brap*
APC: Fine, fine, fine! How about I lower it to $75?
JT: …..*brap*
APC: Well no, I’m not particularly fond of dying…
JT: *brap*
APC: Ok! Fine! You win! $25!
JT: *brap*
APC: You still won’t take that!? What else do you want? I’m not giving this away for free you know!
JT: *brap*
APC: Oh…well I guess that technically isn’t free… though I don’t see how me paying you 20 dollars for this information that I have is in any way fair.
JT: *brap*
APC: You’re more informed than I thought… I thought nobody knew about my love for antique toilets. I’ll give you the 20 dollars later…do you want this information?
JT: *brap*!
APC: The John Donahue story has brought to light something even more disconcerting. You thought he was only delving into the forbidden fruit that is vampires, when you couldn’t be more wrong. Not only is he into vampires, he’s into werewolves as well.
JT: *brap*?
APC: I’m not lying! I have photographic evidence! The man we knew as John Donahue is no longer a human…at this point he must have evolved into a new species: the wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: I know it sounds ridiculous, I know! But listen, you need to check your e-mail. I’ve sent you the photograph on there, I expect you to expose the wolfpires for what they really are: a bunch of big gay neenies.
JT: *brap*
APC: I’m not a wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: No really, I swear I’m not a wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: Fine I’m a wolfpire. Except not really.
JT: *brap*
APC: Fuck you.

CALL ENDED

The conversation was suspicious certainly, but the facts check out. John Donahue has ascended to wolfpirehood, that is to say he is both a werewolf and a vampire. His status as a human is long since lost and such should be considered extremely dangerous! If he offers to check your neck for any cancerous moles or offers you a moonlit stroll on the beach, JUST SAY NO! Alternately, you can Stop, Drop, and Roll to safety. Wolfpires have been known to find this action confusing, and as such you have ample time to flee.

To prove that Donahue has achieved this special status, we present to you the conclusive evidence that he’s delving into what other wolfpires would refer to as “sweet, delicious, werewolf lovin'”.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

You see this filth? This news writes itself, John is no longer safe to be with. You see the flash drive in his hands? It’s not holding school data as we once thought, it’s in fact holding the love letters sent between him and Jacob during his night class on Tuesdays. You may be thinking we know a little bit too much about John, but that’s our job as a news reporter. We must report the facts, even if they can sound stalkerish and creepy.

To give you a little understanding on how Wolfpires make sense, let’s have a little explanation. First, Wolfpires originate from the two words: Werewolf and Empire State Building. The reason for the latter is because vampires love tall buildings. John has spent time with both Edward and Jacob, and as such his DNA structure has changed entirely. He no longer has innocent thoughts of becoming an astronaut, or of dressing up like Batman and masquerading around town in a hilarious montage.

Instead, John now spends his time daydreaming of wearing dark cloaks and his fake vampire teeth (until he grows his own pair of course) and sneaking up on Edward and Jacob to play “innocent” pranks on them. All of these pranks almost always end with vulgar results. That’s right, you guessed it: they begin to do each others taxes. It’s sickening really (Taxes that is. I guess vampires too.), having to watch them sit there with their graphing calculators.

After spending time with Edward, John will sneak out and go to his favorite spot in the woods to meet up with his love on the side, Jacob. Once there, John gives Jacob legal advice. This is just gross, and as such I will not go into further detail.

Now that I’ve exposed John for what he really is, you may be worried that us here at the Times will be in danger ourselves of the oncoming onslaught of wolfpires. That’s ok though, because we have knowledge of a wolfpire’s one weakness: not giving them a high five.

That’s right, wolfpires are desperate for high fives, to the point where they will whore themselves out just to get a high five. Odds are if you’ve ever purchased a “street walker” (which we here at the Times certainly do not condone, especially on the corner of 24th and Palm) and she/he asks you for a high five right after they are probably a wolfpire and as a result you should run the fuck away.

After all, if you don’t they might start doing your taxes.

Jamison Trumpets: YouTube and You

November 20th, 2009 by DanielRGT

You a live a pretty boring life. It’s true! I’ve seen into your life and I can tell you right now, it’s pretty boring. So you must be asking yourself an important question, “How can I spice up my life so it’s not so boring?! Also who took my only copy of Guess Who? I love that game!”

Unfortunately, it was absolutely not me who stole your copy of “Guess Who?”, but believe me I probably would’ve stolen it if I had the chance because that game is rad! Alas, this does nothing to solve your boredom.

So you’re probably asking, “What exactly will solve my boredom?” The answer is simple: our YouTube page. Like many others, Jamison Trumpets has decided to grace YouTube with his trumpeteering presence.

What will he be doing? Why entertaining of course! Jamison Trumpets presents to you our YouTube page:

http://www.youtube.com/user/JamisonTrumpets

Recently, Jamison found the glorious SNES game that is the Gundam Wing fighting game. It’s so excellent, Jamison has recorded a couple of combos he’s performed! Go Jamison!

Check our YouTube page from time to time to see if we have any new videos, because goddamn they’ll be entertaining.

Jamison Trumpets: The Blog of Daniel Rivera
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