Jamison Trumpets

New Species Discovered: Wolfpires

November 20th, 2009 by DanielRGT

Jamison was hard at work in his office just last night when suddenly an anonymous phone call came in. Of course, this was very suspicious so just to be sure we recorded the conversation. Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Jamison Trumpets: *brap*?
Anonymous Phone Caller: I have some information that may interest you.
JT: *brap*
APC: Your recent article on John Donahue and his love for vampires has brought about something bigger than you thought.
JT: *brap*
APC: I know what you’re thinking, but this information is legit.
JT: *brap*
APC: How can you trust me? Don’t I sound trustworthy?
JT: *brap*
APC: Well I don’t see how she has anything to do with this…
JT: *brap*
APC: Well…I suppose…
JT: *brap*
APC: Low blow man…low blow…
JT:
APC: Since you seem so eager to get this information, how about we work out a deal? How’s $100 for this information sound?
JT: *brap*
APC: How is that unreasonable?
JT: *brap*
APC: But I enjoy my kneecaps…
JT: *brap*
APC: Fine, fine, fine! How about I lower it to $75?
JT: …..*brap*
APC: Well no, I’m not particularly fond of dying…
JT: *brap*
APC: Ok! Fine! You win! $25!
JT: *brap*
APC: You still won’t take that!? What else do you want? I’m not giving this away for free you know!
JT: *brap*
APC: Oh…well I guess that technically isn’t free… though I don’t see how me paying you 20 dollars for this information that I have is in any way fair.
JT: *brap*
APC: You’re more informed than I thought… I thought nobody knew about my love for antique toilets. I’ll give you the 20 dollars later…do you want this information?
JT: *brap*!
APC: The John Donahue story has brought to light something even more disconcerting. You thought he was only delving into the forbidden fruit that is vampires, when you couldn’t be more wrong. Not only is he into vampires, he’s into werewolves as well.
JT: *brap*?
APC: I’m not lying! I have photographic evidence! The man we knew as John Donahue is no longer a human…at this point he must have evolved into a new species: the wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: I know it sounds ridiculous, I know! But listen, you need to check your e-mail. I’ve sent you the photograph on there, I expect you to expose the wolfpires for what they really are: a bunch of big gay neenies.
JT: *brap*
APC: I’m not a wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: No really, I swear I’m not a wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: Fine I’m a wolfpire. Except not really.
JT: *brap*
APC: Fuck you.

CALL ENDED

The conversation was suspicious certainly, but the facts check out. John Donahue has ascended to wolfpirehood, that is to say he is both a werewolf and a vampire. His status as a human is long since lost and such should be considered extremely dangerous! If he offers to check your neck for any cancerous moles or offers you a moonlit stroll on the beach, JUST SAY NO! Alternately, you can Stop, Drop, and Roll to safety. Wolfpires have been known to find this action confusing, and as such you have ample time to flee.

To prove that Donahue has achieved this special status, we present to you the conclusive evidence that he’s delving into what other wolfpires would refer to as “sweet, delicious, werewolf lovin'”.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

You see this filth? This news writes itself, John is no longer safe to be with. You see the flash drive in his hands? It’s not holding school data as we once thought, it’s in fact holding the love letters sent between him and Jacob during his night class on Tuesdays. You may be thinking we know a little bit too much about John, but that’s our job as a news reporter. We must report the facts, even if they can sound stalkerish and creepy.

To give you a little understanding on how Wolfpires make sense, let’s have a little explanation. First, Wolfpires originate from the two words: Werewolf and Empire State Building. The reason for the latter is because vampires love tall buildings. John has spent time with both Edward and Jacob, and as such his DNA structure has changed entirely. He no longer has innocent thoughts of becoming an astronaut, or of dressing up like Batman and masquerading around town in a hilarious montage.

Instead, John now spends his time daydreaming of wearing dark cloaks and his fake vampire teeth (until he grows his own pair of course) and sneaking up on Edward and Jacob to play “innocent” pranks on them. All of these pranks almost always end with vulgar results. That’s right, you guessed it: they begin to do each others taxes. It’s sickening really (Taxes that is. I guess vampires too.), having to watch them sit there with their graphing calculators.

After spending time with Edward, John will sneak out and go to his favorite spot in the woods to meet up with his love on the side, Jacob. Once there, John gives Jacob legal advice. This is just gross, and as such I will not go into further detail.

Now that I’ve exposed John for what he really is, you may be worried that us here at the Times will be in danger ourselves of the oncoming onslaught of wolfpires. That’s ok though, because we have knowledge of a wolfpire’s one weakness: not giving them a high five.

That’s right, wolfpires are desperate for high fives, to the point where they will whore themselves out just to get a high five. Odds are if you’ve ever purchased a “street walker” (which we here at the Times certainly do not condone, especially on the corner of 24th and Palm) and she/he asks you for a high five right after they are probably a wolfpire and as a result you should run the fuck away.

After all, if you don’t they might start doing your taxes.

Now See Here Whippahsnappah…

October 3rd, 2009 by DanielRGT

Whippersnapper is a word commonly used by old people to refer to young people that are, purportedly, “on their lawn” or “ruining their begonias.” Why am I even telling you this? Because yesterday, while in my dorm, I got into a row with a guy (I’m a college student, so of course he is in fact a college student as well). The row had nothing to do with anything important, I simply got the last bag of chips that he wanted.

Anyway, short story even shorter, he called me a faggot. I’m used to this as I call people faggots all the time, so it’s not hard to imagine what being called one is like. I told him that I’m sorry but I got there first, blah blah blah, I was super polite.

He then said this exact phrase, and I assure you I am not shitting you:

“Stupid whippahsnappahs taking my fuckin’ bags uh’ chips.”

I was in disbelief because I couldn’t really believe he called me a whippersnapper. Nobody in their right mind calls another fellow college student a whippersnapper. Hell, the whippersnapper phase is making its way out for old people even. If you were to go to an old person and say the word whippersnapper they would most definitely say, “Whippersnapper? What are you some sort of faggot (fagget)?”

This also verifies my theory that old people are getting cooler and cooler as time passes.

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