Jamison Trumpets

"The Dresman Manilla Folders – Lightning Sucks" – Part 2

February 23rd, 2016 by DanielRGT

I looked at Sergeant Scurvy while the fire hose of vomit that was my mouth finally showed signs of ending. There was simply no way it was possible, but the facts lay there in the middle of the room.

“This guy can’t be a fucking wizard Scurvy. I’m the wizard around here. There’s not enough room in this story for two wizards.” I was furious. I was told by my agent that I would be the star of this story as the only wizard with a duster made by the gods.

Sergeant Scurvy furrowed his brow, “I can’t understand half the shit you’re talking about Dresman. You start spitting off that wizard mumbo jumbo and it makes me extremely attracted to you. That’s not fair Larry, you know I have ED.” Scurvy looked at me with a sad look in his eyes that could only mean that he was empathizing with me very hard about the victim’s super cool duster and how it affected me.

Just then, the woman from before walked up to me while wiping the contents of my stomach off of her blouse. “I never introduced myself, I’m-“

“I know who you are, you don’t have to tell me goddamnit. Your name isn’t important, what’s important is how did this man get a duster of this quality without nobody noticing.” I didn’t have a clue what her name was, but I’d check the index later if I really needed to.

“That’s a double negative,” she said to me while realizing that her cleavage, which she worked so hard to show off, hadn’t been mentioned once. “You can’t use a double negative.”

I scoffed at her out of frustration. “You’ve clearly never not met a wizard before.” My duster was pissed. “Sergeant, I’m going to have to investigate this but I can’t be around this place anymore. I need to go home to further investigate this, especially since there was no way in hell I was going to miss the next episode of Law & Order.”

Guardians of the Galaxy Review (As Written by my Little Brother)

February 23rd, 2016 by DanielRGT

Hey gang, it’s time for another of my famous movie reviews. I finally got around to seeing Guardians of the Galaxy at my friend Jeremy’s house. He has a sick Blu-Ray player and his mom made us pigs in a blanket and let us have cookies unlike my mom who’s a huge bitch and says that cookies will rot my teeth. Well guess what Mom! I’m eatin’ ’em and you can’t stop me!

I had been planning to see this movie in theaters and everyone in my school was going on about how awesome the movie was. I couldn’t wait to go see it. The week it came out,

 

3 Dr. Peppers A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

March 19th, 2015 by DanielRGT
FUCK YOU PAUL

LOOK AT THIS SHIT PAUL

 

A Fort Worth woman is celebrating her 104th year of life. “Today, I’m 104” she told a series of reporters outside her home made of used Dr. Pepper cans. “I couldn’t believe it because my clock is being blocked by used Dr. Pepper cans, but one of my children told me after dropping off my regular shipment of Dr. Pepper to my house.”

Her son, Dahktor P. Eiper, told the reporters this. “I’m really  glad that my grandmother is still alive after all these years and is still proudly representing the brand Dr. Pepper™. I hope she’ll live another great 104 years so that she can still enjoy such a refreshing beverage.”

The 104-year old credits her longevity to the amount of Dr. Pepper she drinks and the age old adage, “Three Dr. Peppers a day keeps the doctor away.” She laughed as she said it. “I honestly believe that statement more than anything. My doctor tells me I’m in fine condition and he too also enjoys the taste of a fresh cold Dr. Pepper™ every morning.”

The doctor could not comment at this time because he is attending Dr. PepperCon 2015 and will be out of town for the month.

"The Dresman Manilla Folders – Lightning Sucks" – Part 1

January 29th, 2014 by DanielRGT

It was dusk outside. That’s definitely the time of day it was. How do I know? Apart from the clock on the wall, the timer on my computer, the unending beeping of my watch, and the parrot I had trained to squawk on the hour every hour, there was one large reason why I knew: I’m a goddamn wizard. It’s true kid, I’m a goddamn wizard and you can tell because if you Google my name you’ll sure as hell find the Geocities website I made in 1992 with my full title: Larry Dresman, Goddamn Wizard.

It’s hard work being a wizard. Not only do I have to focus my energy on telling the time of day, but duster maintenance is very important for wizards. Back in the wizard academy, grades were handed out based on how well kept your duster was, and goddamn if my duster wasn’t the best duster the academy had ever seen. I graduated with Honors in Duster Maintenance and Repair as well as receiving the award for Most Duster-Like Duster, Most Likely to Be Wearing a Duster to Bed, and of course my diploma which I promptly sown onto the inside of my duster.

Thanks to the impressiveness of my duster, the police in Detroit knew that I was something special. It takes a great kind of police force to realize that when there are cases they can’t solve, it’s time to call their friendly wizard on their cell phones to solve it for them. They know for sure that since my duster is in such good condition, I can take me and my duster down to a crime scene and solve that shit quick. Why? Because wizards get shit done. Never has a wizard existed who didn’t get shit done; not unless you are including Greg the Generally Lazy Piece of Shit. Nobody likes Greg though, especially since he doesn’t even have his own fucking website. Fuck you Greg.

I sat in my office, basking in my knowledge that since dusk was upon me that meant that it was nearing the time where I would make sure my duster was in great working condition.  Of course, my streak of bad luck the past few days decided to cash in yet again it’s many favors. That’s right, being a wizard means I owe karma favors. That’s a privilege I get as a wizard. My phone rang which was unlucky for me since I had accidentally payed my phone bill for this month.

I picked up the phone while eyeing my duster lustfully  out of the corner of my eye and said in my husky voice which conveyed the power of a wizard, “Thanks for calling the Dresman’s Duster Maintenance Tip Hotline – This is Larry speaking how may I direct your duster?”

“Dresman, it’s me.” A voice spoke to me on the other end, clearly this was suspicious.

“Who the fuck is me? You better want duster tips or I’m gonna start charging you minute by minute. Is this Greg? I fucking hate you Greg, stop calling you dusterless pile of shit.”

“Goddamnit Dresman, I’m not Greg. I’ll never be Greg. It’s Sergeant Scurvy.” I knew immediately after he told me his name that it was Sergeant Scurvy thanks to my wizard intuition.

“Scurvy, what the hell do you want. You know I can’t be bothered around dusk.”

“Dresman, it’s urgent. There’s nobody else I could turn to. My wife’s out of town and there’s literally nothing on basic cable to satiate my boredom. Plus, we got a case. A good one. One worthy of your title Larry,” Scurvy spoke with the tone that only a man not wearing a duster could conjure. I pitied him knowing that even though he worked as hard as everyone else on the force, he would never make Captain so long as he continued to wear his denim jacket to work everyday.

“A case? Got any details for me? I already know all of them of course since I’m a goddamn wizard, but let me know the details anyway. You know, for the readers.” I decided that as a wizard it was perfectly okay to break the fourth wall. It was a complicated spell for sure, but the degree inside my duster was more than evidence of my raw talent at the art of wizardry.

Scurvy sighed on the other end of the phone before he began talking about the case. “We found a body Dresman, but… the circumstances are a bit… odd. There’s not a lot we can do with this scene without your help. The other guys on the force don’t want me to call you in because they don’t believe in electricity, but I know you’re the only one I can turn to.”

The other guys on the force. Hmph. Those knuckleheads have had an issue with me ever since Sergeant Scurvy called me in on a case two years ago. I solved the case within 2 months of entering the crime scene, and the other cops never forgave me. It was clear what the real issue was though: they had an incurable case of duster-envy.

“I’ll help you Scurvy, but it’ll cost you time and a half,” I spoke while wondering if Greg was still being a lazy fuckhead. “You know I have important things to do and I’m taking time away from them by helping you. Better hit the ATM before I get there, I only accept cold hard cash.”

Cash was very important to wizards because they acted as a currency in which to buy things in the real world.

I hung up the phone without asking Scurvy where the crime scene was at, but it didn’t matter. I had a premonition earlier that day about the murder happening because of my wizard senses. I got up from my plastic folding chair and picked up my duster off the wall. My beautiful duster was in my hand and it looked as glorious as ever. What other piece of clothing could speak so clearly as to what profession a person is? When it comes to wizards, a duster is the only way to go.

I walked out of my office and hit the button to go down on the elevator. I looked at my reflection in the stainless steel of the elevator to try and catch me looking dope as fuck in my duster, but unfortunately before I could even try and grasp the raw wizardry emanating from my duster the elevator opened and I saw something that nothing could prepare me for (except I knew it was coming cause I’m a wizard). A woman stood in the elevator who looked like she was searching for someone, and it had to have been me. I could feel it in my duster that this woman could only have been here to see a real wizard in action. Irrelevant facts include the fact that I have the only office on the third floor.

She looked at me with query in her eyes and said what I expected her to say: “Who the fuck are you?”

I smirked and knew exactly what to say. I stroked my hands along my duster and then pointed my finger pistols at her as I introduced myself, “I’m the man you’ve been searching for all your life woman: Larry Dresman. By the way, if you wanted to know I am a wizard.” Her response was to look at me with dead eyes. Her eyes weren’t literally dead because that makes no sense, but she looked awestruck. No doubt my duster made quite an impression on her.

“Did you say…wizard?” She obviously was hard of hearing because I very clearly said wizard, but it isn’t a wizard’s place to judge someone on the fact that they have tacky fashion sense because they aren’t wearing an incredible duster.

“I’d explain it to you in greater detail but I’m in a bit of a rush. I’m on my way to a crime scene.” I tried to squeeze my way into the elevator, but she grabbed my arm.

“I know what a wizard is, you don’t have to explain it. I’ll follow you to the crime scene because reasons.” Her mouth was moving as she spoke words which impressed me, but I didn’t have the time to argue with her and my duster was getting antsy.

“Go ahead and follow me, I’m just on my way to the crime scene now. Don’t say I didn’t warn you though that there’s gonna be a dead body though. Be sure to look at my duster if you start feeling queasy.” I laughed at my own taunt. A wizard has the hardest stomach known to man. After dealing with the fucked up shit I’ve seen at the wizard academy, there was nothing that could cause my stomach to empty itself upon the site of anything disgusting. Plus, my stomach knows that if it ever did that I would beat the shit out of it if it ruined my glorious duster.

I remembered that Scurvy hadn’t told me how to get to the murder, but like I said I knew exactly where to go. The elevator doors closed and I hit the “2” button. That’s right, one floor below mine. The doors opened and Sergeant Scurvy was there waiting for me. Just like I had planned because I’m a wizard.

“How the hell did you know how to get here Dresman? I never told you the directions.” Scurvy looked amazed at my presence, but I could tell by the sparkle in his eye that he was eyeing my duster while green with jealousy.

“You know my profession Sergeant. I’m surprised that you are still surprised that I’m so incredible as well as how my duster goes all the way to my ankles. Also, I heard the screams 4 hours ago while Googling my own name.” I walked past Scurvy towards the crime scene.

“Be warned Dresman, that crime scene is seriously fucked up. Two of our guys quit on the spot.” The Sergeant looked generally concerned. I laughed at him of course. Didn’t I just get done a couple paragraphs ago saying that wizards have stomachs of iron?

I opened the doors to the crime scene and let it all sink in. It took me a moment for all of it to settle in my brain, but as the pieces started to fit together so did my impossible-to-upset stomach begin to get upset. There it was clear as day in the middle of the room: a man in a cooler duster than mine lay dead on the floor.

There was nothing to stop the vomit from exiting my mouth-hole as my stomach-of-steel emptied itself. It was a horrifying crime scene that the Sergeant hadn’t adequately prepared me for, and surely I had to have been compromising it with my wizard vomit but goddamn the rules. My liquid insides began to cake the room as I thought about the possibilities of how this man acquired a cooler duster than my own, but none of my theories seemed to make sense.

It was just then, as my projectile bile was covering an officer completely, that the woman from before walked up and observed the crime scene. “Hey, I kinda disappeared before in that segment where you were talking to the Sergeant. I’m back now though. You’re vomiting. That’s gross.” She was eyeing the dead man’s duster. Dammit. Even an amateur like her could tell that the dead man’s duster was cooler. All of this went through my mind as I physically started to propel myself around the room via my own vomit.

Sergeant Scurvy walked in and looked at the crime scene along with me. No doubt he must have been wondering how his crime scene suddenly had become soaking wet and more of a beige tint, but mostly he must have been wondering how two incredible dusters such as my own and the victim’s could possibly exist.

“Dresman, I’m gonna be honest with you,” Scurvy said to me as he admired the incredible amount of throw-up exiting my mouth and my duster, “We need you more than ever on this. There’s a lot we don’t know about this case, but there’s one thing we know for goddamn certain.” I couldn’t speak to inquire further upon the Sergeant’s ominous ending to his sentence since I had run out contents in my stomach so my body was trying to expel my own organs out of my mouth, but I knew what the next words out of his mouth would be.

“The victim is a goddamn wizard Dresman.”

I was definitely not expecting that, and neither was my duster.

 

The Penny Arcade Report

February 21st, 2012 by DanielRGT

Hey, it’s a new post!

I felt like it was necessary for me to make a post showcasing The Penny Arcade Report and why it is much cooler than you. You’re probably going over all the reasons that you’re incredibly cool, but I have to burst your cool bubble and show you why the Penny Arcade Report is one of the best things to happen to video game journalism in a long time.

I’ve had a big problem with the state of video game journalism for a long time. Being a former video game journalist myself (albeit not a very notable one), I know what it’s like to try and write news articles for a website. It’s very obviously different than writing for my personal blog.

Firstly, you have much less freedom when writing for a website. That’s sort of a natural realization though, isn’t it? The site has a certain image it’s trying to present, and if nine of the ten articles I’ve written are showcasing which video games have cocks hidden in them they are going to have trouble with me. Websites define how good an article is based on how many views, or “hits”, it gets. What type of articles does this produce? Well to be extremely blunt, it produces utter shit.

Ben Kuchera maps this out much more eloquently than me however. I’m not a weaver of words such as Ben or Tycho of Penny Arcade, but I try my best. Kuchera puts it as such:

“The super-blogs push content out at a furious pace, but the open secret is only a few interesting things happen each day in the world of video games. Everyone runs two or three interesting stories per day, and the rest is filler. The continual, relentless publication of stories that don’t say anything of worth, re-write an existing article, or exist only to grab page views with a few sexy images can be numbing. This is why so many people don’t take video game news seriously: there just isn’t enough out there to fill out a schedule that demands a story every twenty or thirty minutes.”

Wasn’t that a nice quote? He doesn’t even use any naughty words like I do! Truly this showcases the difference between a professional and an idiot, such as myself.

Back to the original topic which I brought up though (Remember what it was? It’s up there, where I said you have no freedom!). There’s a lot of rigidity involved in video game journalism. Articles end up being bland, mediocre, uneventful, and sometimes even completely nonsensical. Factual inaccuracies make frequent appearances in articles nowadays. This leads me to my second point.

Since articles are being shit out at an alarming rate, then the magic of “The Editorial” ends up becoming a dream rather than a reality. As a child, I have fond memories of reading video game magazines. The most notable in my memories would undoubtedly be the classic “EGM” (Electronic Gaming Monthly). It was my dream to write for this magazine, and it’s unfortunate but now that dream can never come true. EGM has since been out of print for several years now and it has everything to do with the internet.

Why have a subscription to a magazine that gives you month old news when you can get instant “gratification” from the internet news? I understand why magazines basically died out; even magazines like Game Informer need the endless bickering of a GameStop employee to shove their subscriptions down your throat.

Is that a good thing though? Obviously in magazines you had to wade through endless pages of advertisements, but what you got in return (at least in my opinion) were articles that seemed like they had actual content. Articles with some meat on their bones. Not every article was a winner, and of course even magazine journalism had its faults; however, I felt more comfortable reading those articles than the drivel that ends up on gaming websites nowadays.

Seeing an article with an outrageous headline to draw readers in isn’t gaming news. It isn’t even entertainment. It’s a poor attempt at drawing in readers that will eventually become enraged at the article as a whole. At that point, however, it’s too late. The person clicked on it, so the people running it count it as a win. “These types of articles interest people, look at all these hits!” The data ends up being read over the general response from the “crowd” as it were.

Gamers complain about all these types of articles, yet this is the norm; this is the standard of living we have become accustomed to. We read an article and go, “That article had no content,” then we are right back to the news feed to say the same thing about the 20 other articles being released. One could say it is an exercise in masochism how much gamers put up with this shit, but the reality is that there isn’t really an alternative. It ends up being “read this bad article” or “read no article.”

Why am I telling you this though? Chances are you aren’t a video game journalist, you’re a “consumer” such as myself. You’re one of the many readers who’s been victim to this type of poor writing and structure. You already know all this information. So what’s the point of me telling you, right? It’s sort of like me beckoning you over on the street and unveiling to you that yes, people tend to cry when they are sad.

I could lie and say that I have some sort of naive optimism that video game journalist will read this blog (which currently averages about 1 reader a month, usually myself) and change their ways. I could do that, or I could say that there are people making an effort to fix this type of shoddy journalism.

I mentioned it at the beginning of my post, Penny Arcade brought on board Ben Kuchera (the guy I quoted above) to present to you The Penny Arcade Report. They brought him on board awhile ago, but I suppose you could say that The Penny Arcade Report started up extremely recently, as early as yesterday or today.

What type of things can we expect from this endeavor? Well, if what they say is any truth at all (and I trust Penny Arcade’s backing, so I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the odds are high that it will be) then we will be seeing journalism that is respectable. Interesting articles about gaming? On the regular? How could this be possible?

So what is this blog post about anyway? Is it an advertisement? “Sure seems like it” you might be saying. You could be right, honestly. I’m trying my best to put this new thing out in the open. I don’t really see video game websites advertising this type of things to be honest. It’d be like if a new restaurant came out claiming to be way better than Red Robin and then Red Robin said, “That place is fucking banging check that shit out! Way better than us!” It just wouldn’t happen.

I want to see video game news that isn’t complete horse shit. I want to see articles with intelligent points and proper research done. I want to see news that gets my brain working. I’m tired of what video game journalism has turned into. I used to really want to be a video game journalist when I was younger perhaps out of some naive image I built up in my head. As I grew older, however, I soon realized that the field I wanted to join was turning into what it is now. There’s almost no part of me that wishes to be a part of video game journalism now, which is a shame because part of me thinks I would do okay in that field.

However, if journalists step their shit up and take a look at the type of things Penny Arcade is producing via The Penny Arcade Report I may be able to have that dream yet again. Is this about me? Not even a little bit, but everyone is a little selfish.

Best of luck to Ben Kuchera and The Penny Arcade Report. This is the first sign of hopefully better news; I’m hoping others will follow suit in whatever way they can.

————————————-

Follow Jamison Trumpets on Twitter. @JamisonTrumpets

Like this article? Let me know! E-mail me at jamisontrumpets@gmail.com

Hate this article? Let me know too! I’m extremely egotistical and view all e-mails as progress.

Jamison Trumpets: YouTube and You

November 20th, 2009 by DanielRGT

You a live a pretty boring life. It’s true! I’ve seen into your life and I can tell you right now, it’s pretty boring. So you must be asking yourself an important question, “How can I spice up my life so it’s not so boring?! Also who took my only copy of Guess Who? I love that game!”

Unfortunately, it was absolutely not me who stole your copy of “Guess Who?”, but believe me I probably would’ve stolen it if I had the chance because that game is rad! Alas, this does nothing to solve your boredom.

So you’re probably asking, “What exactly will solve my boredom?” The answer is simple: our YouTube page. Like many others, Jamison Trumpets has decided to grace YouTube with his trumpeteering presence.

What will he be doing? Why entertaining of course! Jamison Trumpets presents to you our YouTube page:

http://www.youtube.com/user/JamisonTrumpets

Recently, Jamison found the glorious SNES game that is the Gundam Wing fighting game. It’s so excellent, Jamison has recorded a couple of combos he’s performed! Go Jamison!

Check our YouTube page from time to time to see if we have any new videos, because goddamn they’ll be entertaining.

Exclusive Look into the birth of Jamison Trumpets

July 7th, 2009 by DanielRGT

You’ve been wondering it, and I’ve delivered it. Welcome to how Jamison Trumpets began:

http://www.jamisontrumpets.com/the-making-of-gametrash-live-3-the-birth-of-jamison-trumpets/

Media Page – Under Construction

July 6th, 2009 by DanielRGT

Since I’ve got this new look, it’s time to actually start building the media page.

Be on the lookout for animations, comics, walkthroughs, and reviews that’ll be uploaded here. But don’t forget  to also keep in touch with the main page, it’s doubling as my blog as well as letting you know about updates  to the site.

Also, if you’re in to that sort of thing you can follow this website on Twitter. As this site gets updated, so will my twitter:

https://twitter.com/JamisonTrumpets

"Nosy Neighbor" Animation

May 24th, 2009 by DanielRGT

This animation, done for a class project for my animation class, is a 1 minute long look into the free time of Jamison Trumpets:

http://jamisontrumpets.com/nosyneighhbor.mov

You can choose to click on the link or right click (save as) to download the movie and watch it directly from your computer. This animation is about 12 MB in size, a reasonable amount.

If you are not fond of QuickTime files, this animation is also available for viewing on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvABls3EVds&feature=channel

The animation consists of the main character, who is nameless but we will call “Steve”, hearing his doorbell and opening the door. Little does he know, it’s his neighbor Mr. Jamison Trumpets.

I figured this animation class was a good chance to use characters I had made previously to add comedic effect, and it worked great. The people in my class thought it was good, and I got a great grade on it as well!

This animation was made on Adobe After Effects CS3, and took me about 4 hours. The music I used was from Azumanga Daioh (as I felt this had the best “feel” for this particular short). Hope you like it, and enjoy!

Jamison Trumpets: The Blog of Daniel Rivera
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