Jamison Trumpets

I'm Still Alive

February 23rd, 2016 by DanielRGT

Believe it or not, I was not devoured by a rabid pack of wolves. I happen to be extremely lazy when it comes to writing this blog, and so when you readers checked the site every day for fabulous updates you were sorely disappointed by your findings. “Where has Jamison Trumpets GONE?!” you may have asked yourself.

Well I’m still here and I’m still kicking, though not literally kicking because as it turns out if you kick other people they have a tendency to beat the shit out of you. Imagine my surprise.

Today’s topic is one that keeps me up at night. You’re probably thinking I’m going to talk about naked ladies,

An Adventurer's Diary – Journey from the Depths of Hell

February 23rd, 2016 by DanielRGT

Lessons Learned

February 23rd, 2016 by DanielRGT

I’ve been alive for an astounding amount of time. At least, it certainly seems that way because counting past 5 is hard and I’ve definitely been alive for more than 5 minutes. With certainty, I can say I’m at least 6 minutes old which means I’m already having a mid-life crisis.

So on this, the seventh minute of my life, I feel it’s appropriate to go over things I have learned in my life. What better way to do so by going over things that have happened recently on the Earth (or Earf for the official terminology). It’s been pretty clear for awhile now the main thing I’ve learned while being alive, but I had to be absolutely certain of my correctness before I was able to confirm my suspicions. It’s official though, thanks to recent rulings by people who are at most two times as important as I am, the verdict is in.

I’m talking of course about the fact that WOMEN ARE NOT PEOPLE.

It was strange. For the longest time, I was sure they were people. They look like people, they walk like people, and they even ACT like people. The truth is clear to me though thanks to the important people who make the tough decisions on the planet.

I’m talking of course about the Finnish eSports Federation. It was recently made clear to me that although women have discussed intellectual things with me in the past that their minds can’t possibly comprehend the complexity of a card game, so appropriately so they were barred from entering a Hearthstone tournament.

Let’s face it, card games are some of the most difficult work on the planet. It’s a job solely reserved for MEN. What women don’t get about this whole fiasco is that we, the men, are doing them a favor by barring them from playing video games with us. Apart from the physical aspect of video games (which we are clearly superior thanks to millions of years of gaming evolution), men clearly have an unfair advantage when it comes to these things.

It’s common knowledge that men operate under the usage of two brains. The most important one taking care of our daily needs, basic cognitive thought, complex problem-solving, and important decision making and the other, less important one, existing in our head.

How can women possibly compete. It’s basic math (or so I’ve been told) that two is better than one unless you’re talking about STDs. Even then, what if you were collecting STDs? One can’t possibly argue the value of two over one.

It is unfair for women to have to deal with this onslaught of brains. Men are doing women a favor by prohibiting entrance into competitive video game events, or eSports as the wise philosopher Plato so rightly coined, and thanks to women’s status as sub-human it’s really super double okay for things like this to happen.

 

Women, Video Games, and Other Things Looked Down On By Idiots

February 23rd, 2016 by DanielRGT

It’s pretty much become a standard recently to discriminate against women, the word “recently” of course encapsulating all of time. So when video gamers do it, why is anybody surprised? Why is it news for more people to be saying, “Hey you woman, you’re not like MEN so stooooppp ittt~~~” (Quote taken from BongPirat420)

The reason it’s news is because these people are stupid and continue to try and do things that are not only stupid (such is their nature), but promote stupidity across the land. It actively encourages other stupid people with stupid opinions to think to themselves, “If that stupid thing happened by those stupid guys thinking stupid things, then I can be stupid without any problem right? After all, we’ve established that stupidity is okay.”

That seemed to be the case for the Finnish eSports Federation

 

Bad Birthday Trend

February 23rd, 2016 by DanielRGT

Tomorrow is my birthday which, to put it lightly, means I’m a year closer to dying. You might be thinking that’s an extremely pessimistic way to view life, and you’d be correct! I am, as the legends foretold, a humongous pessimist. “His pessimism game is strong as fuck,” is a quote that could run in a newspaper article highlighting how pessimistic I can be.

I have a precedence for such pessimism though. My life hasn’t exactly been what I expected when I was young. For instance, I never thought as a child that at the age of 25 (which is what I am turning tomorrow) I would deliver pizzas to irate hungry people. I woulda thought that by now I would’ve at least won a minimum of two lotteries or maybe found some old oil tycoon’s wallet on the street and I return it to him and he gives me reward money (approximately $8 million, adjust for inflation) but he doesn’t know that I secretly swapped his wallet for a fake wallet with fake cash inside and I steal the contents of his wallet and his identity and live a life of crime.

Something like that.

I only deliver pizzas currently as a stepping stone to an actual career. I, thankfully, don’t see myself doing this for very long. It’s okay money though when you’ve been jobless for several months after being viciously attacked by a horrible, borderline-racist blood disorder that crippled you both physically and financially. Even if I’m not doing this job, there’s a lot of fallback jobs I can take, and when all else fails there’s always workin’ the pole (I’m talking about a barbershop pole)(Get your mind out of the fuckin’ gutter)(Although being a stripper is actually not a bad idea now that I think about it).

 

Frame-Perfect Rambling

February 9th, 2016 by DanielRGT

(Alternate Title: Speedrun Deez Nuts)

How did I get caught up in this speedrunning horsecockery you ask? You didn’t ask that, you ask? You have stayed silent while reading all of this and have asked literally zero questions and are wondering if I am a psychopath, you ask? These are all excellent questions that I’m super stoked to be answering in this incredibly long rant with an alarming amount of grammar and spelling errors. I advise you to sit back, relax, and enjoy the incredibly boring story I’m about to tell you. Alternatively, you can really “stick it to me” and stand up in a generally panicked state because, honestly, who the fuck am I to be giving you all these orders.

Speedrunning caught my interest a long time ago back when I was in high school (this would have been around 2006 or 2007) and I saw somebody play Super Metroid incredibly fast. I thought to myself, “Damn. That’s hella fast.” It’s important to note that I was not a particularly bright individual in high school and many could argue that I have only grown dimmer as the years have passed. Regardless, the way I saw someone deconstruct a game into how efficiently it could be played was really something to me. I immediately went home, turned on my emulator, and attempted to copy the run I had just seen. After some time, I was actually able to do the entire run, albeit not at the same pace as the truly good players.

I never took my interest past that unfortunately. I learned an entire route for Super Metroid, could technically execute it, and then I kinda just let it be and would use it as an anecdote whenever speedrunning was brought up. “Hey,” I’d say. “I can totally speedrun Super Metroid!” I’d say this hoping to god that they couldn’t also speedrun it as well because then I’d be exposed as someone who honestly couldn’t really do that. I learned the route but couldn’t really execute it very consistently and sometimes would forget large chunks of it because of how little I practiced it. Basically, I could do the opening section of Super Metroid great, and then everything thereafter was absolute shitbutts. It’s kind of like how I’ve learned how to play the beginning of a song on the piano exceptionally well, but then when it came to learning the parts after I’d just go “Ew, that’s a lot more work than I feel like doing” and then move on to something else.

I’m kind of a piece of shit, you see.

Years pass and I don’t really pursue speedrunning any further. It wasn’t for lack of time or anything, but I just felt like I didn’t want to really get into it for a number of reasons. What are those reasons you ask? Stop trying to predict your questions you ask? You’re a pretentious douchebag you ask? I’m glad you’ve legitimately asked all of those questions because I’m all about answering that shit.

It is unfortunate, but there is a certain negative stereotype associated with people who are in the “speedrunning business” as it were. A common description of people who partake in speedrunning is “girl/boyfriendless autistic manchildren who live with their parents and have no friends and spend their time playing video games real real real real real fast fuckyeahbroletsfucksomebitchesnow.” Now, I want it to be made clear that I have never agreed with this stereotype, but I was certainly afraid of being called any of those things. Basically, my own stupid brain got in the way. For a large portion of my life, I have let my fear of what other people will say and think about me define my actions and it has taken awhile to be able to ignore what the extremely loud minority has to say.

The reality is that, much like every community that exists, people who speedrun come from all over the place and all of these people are joined together by their competitive spirit. I’ve already experienced this thanks to the Fighting Game Community, but the competitiveness in speedrunning is a little different than in fighting games. For speedrunners, the main thing they are competing against is the game itself. For most of the people I’ve talked to, the main motivation they have to grind out runs and try and get the best possible time is largely to see how far they can push the time down and it has less to do with beating the other people that run that game. The part where your beat other people and get a world record is mostly just icing on the cake really.

Being primarily from a fighting game background, this type of adjustment took some getting used to. In fact, I would argue that I still haven’t gotten used to it. In competitive fighting games, you are pretty much only  competing against another person and so when that person beats me, I tend to get upset. Sometimes I get upset at the opponent because maybe they did something I disagree with, but mostly I get upset at myself because I probably made a mistake or because that means I am out of the tournament or something like that. The point is, I hate to lose and so in speedrunning, when someone beats my personal best time, I exist as a salty speck in a sea of congratulatory remarks from other people. I think it’s okay to be a little disappointed that your time was beaten, but in general everyone in the community is competing against the game and not each other so there’s a larger sense of camaraderie. “We’re all in this together” is a phrase often used, especially in regards to the game I speedrun (which is Earthbound by the way. We’re about 1000 words in and this is the first time I’ve mentioned it and I refuse to retroactively add it in earlier so you can eat a dick whoever edits this).

Let me backtrack a bit to explain what ultimately changed my mind about finally joining the speedrunning world. As I mentioned earlier, I was afraid of (essentially) being made fun of by assholes who have garbage opinions. It took some growing up to move past that, but when I finally did I was able to really see the appeal of speedrunning. The final catalyst was watching an SGDQ (Summer Games Done Quick: a charity speedrun marathon) where a very skilled Earthbound runner named Aurilliux fuckin’ killed it by doing an exceptional Earthbound Any% speedrun.

I knew a little bit about that run, but to see it executed live just kinda made me think to myself, “I gotta see what this is all about.” I didn’t make any commitment to start speedrunning Earthbound, but I decided to check out the IRC where all the runners hang out and catch some Twitch streams of Earthbound runners. For approximately 2 days, I lurked in both the IRC and various Twitch chats and just observed. What I saw sealed the deal for me.

The first Earthbound streamer I saw live was a great guy by the name of RedBalloonMan. There isn’t any one specific thing he did that convinced me to start running, but in general he was an excellent streamer and really fun to hang out with and talk to. From him, I started watching more and more Earthbound streamers and eventually went into each chat and said, “I’m thinking of running this game, how do I get started.”

Every single streamer, and I want to emphasize that every single one of them, gave me great information and welcomed me with open arms. In terms of the Earthbound community, I was a nobody. I was nothing, and yet each of these people who had no idea who I was immediately went, “That’s awesome! We love new runners, here’s where to get your information.” I have to admit, that was a strange sensation for me.

As I said before, I come from the FGC and have always felt that in the FGC there’s been a sense of me needing to prove myself before being acknowledged. Whether or not other people agree with that assessment is another debate, but I think there is a minimum bar of proving yourself that is sort of required in the FGC for anyone to take you seriously or to be genuinely interested in things you are doing/saying.

Instead, the only proof that the Earthbound community needed from me was me actually doing a run, no matter how absolute mega garbage it was. It was the most welcomed I had ever felt into a community ever in my life. I want to reiterate that I don’t think the FGC is unwelcoming, but I do believe the Earthbound speedrun community was definitely more welcoming.

Eventually, I completed my first full run and then kept going and going and going. I enjoyed it so much that, at the time of posting this, I’m currently ranked 4th in the world for the Glitchless category of Earthbound with a 3:58:32 and 2nd in the Any% category of Earthbound with a 1:08:11. I intend to push myself to try and get the world record for both of these categories, and honestly I don’t think that’s outside the realm of possibility for me.

I want to end this incredibly long rambling session with just these words of wisdom. If you are genuinely interested in doing speedruns of any game, reach out to the community that does so and see how they are. I can’t guarantee all speedrunning communities are as welcoming as the Earthbound one (because the Earthbound community is notoriously one of the better communities), but they will almost certainly be willing to help you get on the way to starting runs and get you started on joining a truly amazing hobby.

 

 

 

 

 

 

GamerHate (Get it? Comedy!)

October 15th, 2014 by DanielRGT

I’m a comedy writer by nature (and design for those who know that I’m actually a robot) so I’m definitely not as eloquent as some other people on the following subject, but it’s kinda gotten out of hand lately so while everyone is throwing their hats into the ring, I want to make sure people know that the hat I’m throwing in is less of a hat and more of a rainbow wig I wore a previous Halloween because I thought girls would dig my clown (also see: “serial killer”) costume.

For those that know me (which is 100% of my readers since the only people who read this are my friend Tony and my dog. My dog is very advanced for his age) you would know that I don’t ever throw my hat into any rings whatsoever. I am a political nonperson; that is to say, I avoid talking about conflict and issues because I’m not very smart and I want people to think that I am, instead, very smart. It’s the complex illusion of intelligence I want people to believe in more than anything, but that requires me to learn things and if I learned anything from school it’s that the people who learn are called nerds and eventually they become extremely successful later in life. Basically what I’m saying is that I was wrong and maybe I should know something about current events. Better late than never.

Being a gamer, it’s kind of hard to sidestep the most current event happening right now in the gaming world. I’m talking of course about League of Legends World Finals.

Shit, no, I definitely meant to type GamerGate. GamerGate is the thing happening right now.

For those that don’t know let me explain what GamerGate is. Allow me to present my version of how this went down (DISCLAIMER: IF YOU DID NOT READ THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPHS THEN YOU WON’T REALIZE THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPHS ARE A THING SOME WRITERS USE CALLED “SATIRE” IN WHICH I BASICALLY DO WHATEVER I WANT WITHOUT CHECKING FACTS. IT’S THE BEST TOOL IN WRITING CAUSE I DON’T HAVE TO DO ANY RESEARCH).

 

“One day, a man was severely burned (figuratively, possibly literally) by the woman he loved. That woman’s name was [NAME REMOVED FOR FAKE LEGAL REASONS], or for the purposes of this retelling we’ll call her “Gurl” (Not to be confused with her sister, “Guurl”). The man was hurt deep by Gurl and in order to get back at her, wrote a bunch of mean things about her claiming a connection between Gurl’s girlyness (perhaps this is how she got her name) and “journalistic favors”. Everyone decided that there couldn’t possibly be any bias in this man’s findings and claims and decided to elect him “Uber-Jesus.” Basically he said that Gurl had used her sexuality to win the favors of gaming journalists all over the place.

Journalistic integrity was at stake here. How can video game journalists possibly remain impartial when Gurl was out there flaunting her patented “Gurl’s Parts™” to all the journalists. Soon, the world would be overrun with articles about whatever she wanted. This is clearly how this works. More than that, what’s to stop all women from doing this? “At any point in time,” one fake GamerGater said, “women can take their shirt off and get coverage.” He later went on to say, “Whenever I try and pull my pants off for a similar effect I’m told to ‘cover up or face being ejected from this Dairy Queen.’ It’s extremely sexist.”

People decided to cry out against Gurl and labeled her a video game terrorist. Of course the only way to deal with terrorists is to send a sacrilegious amount of death, rape, and all around murder-themed threats to Gurl.

When Gurl protested and said, “What the actual fuck guys are you serious?” she received even more threats and anyone who defended her was branded a stupid “Social Justice Warrior” (which as we all know is one of the worst things you can call another human being, next to “Dingus”). Social Justice Warriors, or SJWs, are considered by many people on the internet to be the scum of the earth.

People on the internet don’t like to be told that there could be a better world in which people aren’t harassed because of their gender, skin color, sexual preference, and various other things that people who haven’t done shit wrong get harassed for. In the mind of the internet, life is perfect the way it is. What possible need could we have for the betterment of our peers?

“No,” they say, “Fuck that.” Internet users come down hard on any SJWs that try and say things like, “We shouldn’t treat women poorly” and “I believe blacks should be represented better in X,Y, and Z media!” What a bunch of jackasses those SJWs happen to be.

The internet then decided that simply branding SJWs isn’t enough and that when it comes to games and gamers, Gurl and any like minded Gurl supporters should be harshly punished. In addition they wanted to profess their love of entrance ways.”

 

That’s just a short summary and it’s unfortunately only the catalyst. It’s still going on today with dumb gamers everywhere trying so hard to shout their favorite GamerGate cheer, “DE-FENSE. WE LIKE DE-FENSE. WE ARE DE-FENSE.  WEDEFENDJOURNALISTICINTEGRITYBUTREALLY-WEAREAHATEGROUPCREATEDBYHATEANDFUELEDBYHATETIPSHATMLADY(To be said extremely fast and under your breath as to ensure maximum impact)”

I suppose it’s not fair for me to say “gamers” because #notallgamers (get it? It’s a humor joke) are against the equal treatment of women and the concept that if a woman speaks her opinion on anything she shouldn’t be harassed so badly that she is forced out of her home.

honestly wish I could say that the last sentence in my last short paragraph was a joke (because I’ve been B-Ballin’ so many jokes in your face this whole piece) but let’s get down to the real part of this. GamerGate is a thing that started as what can be easily identifiable as a “hate-crime” (in which a mommy gate and a daddy gate hate each other very much) and has snowballed into a movement that waves the flag of “journalistic integrity”, but really they just violently harass and threaten to murder anybody who doesn’t believe in their “cause”.

It’s very easy to get sucked into the idea of GamerGate. Their flag is extremely pretty after all. Who wouldn’t want journalistic integrity? Everyone can agree that gaming journalism, as a whole, is a hilarious joke. To be fair though, all journalism is a hilarious joke.

People who support GamerGate have likened their cause to the MLK movement, which of course have many similarities. After all, Martin Luther King Jr. HATED Social Justice Warriors. To quote his famous “I have a dream” speech,

 

“I have a dream that white people and black people can stand against those stupid Social Justice Warriors. I hate it when they try and destroy the sanctity of gaming. They’re a bunch of doodyheads, amirite? *high fives nearby person*”

 

I don’t know if you’ve caught it by now (I’m obviously very subtle) but I think the term “Social Justice Warrior” as an insult is, to put it lightly, the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. To suggest that “someone who stands for something that is good” is an insult just means you don’t like progressive change and would, frankly, like to return to the Middle Ages.

MLK literally was a Social Justice Warrior and so GamerGaters (Gators? I guess they aren’t technically alligators which would make their cause more terrifying than it already is. I suppose they’d get a sweet Discovery Channel show out of it though because you can’t be an alligator and not be on the Discovery Channel) comparing themselves to the MLK movement makes no sense and is wrong. Of course they would compare themselves to MLK though because who can’t get behind his message? Everyone agrees that segregation is bad (well, mostly everyone) and so he’s standing up for a just cause, much like GamerGaters obviously (Hint: This is called sarcasm).

Then there’s the stark knee-jerk reaction to the concept of feminism and an attack on anyone who sides with said “feminists.” Let me break down what a feminist is to these people though because it’s not what you are thinking. A feminist is anybody who, at any point in their life, has said the following words, “Hey, don’t you think women should be treated better?”

That’s it. That’s the entirety of a feminist. There are varying degrees of feminism and on a bad day feminism can turn into, “I hate men” (commonly referred to as the Lifetime Channel Position), but in essence all people are seeking is that women are treated and represented better on this planet.

How that translates to gaming is how women are represented in the medium itself and how they are treated in regards to that medium. When a woman makes a video game (something that doesn’t happen enough as it is) she is generally treated with contempt by the community because how can a woman possibly know anything about vidjaman games? It’d be impossible for her to share the same passion that many other male developers have, obviously, and so her game is obviously a piece of shit and should be removed from history in its entirety. In addition, she should quit her job and become a prostitute because girls are only good for sex and sexification. This I decree as King of Douchebaggery and SexFuck Industries.

Oops, did I get carried away? I’m really sorry about that, sometimes when I ramble I turn into a misogynistic piece of shit. I won’t let it happen again, m’lady.

On top of all of that, people who oppose GamerGate are harassed to the point of having to flee their home (a place that is generally considered safe by many). People who support the cause say, “Oh but I didn’t threaten anyone. I shouldn’t have to explain the actions of other people who support the same cause as I do. Also those are extremists, those exist in every group and movement” Oops, you just said something super dumb.

GamerGate began as hate and harassment and continues to be fueled by hate and harassment. When a movement consistently and continuously harasses anyone who doesn’t support their cause with death, rape, and school-shootingy threats it’s not about journalistic integrity. It’s an internal competition between GamerGaters to see who can send out the most horrific threats per minute per day. 

Let’s be honest though, it was never about journalistic integrity. For it to be about journalistic integrity, then people would still be talking about it. Instead, the only time the topic is brought up is whenever people ask for a reason for the movement. You can’t really just respond with, “We like to harass people who disagree with us, especially women.” First of all, it’s way too many syllables and second of all, it’s morally deplorable. I may have mixed up that order, I’ll get back to you on that.

What’s important though is that the actions of the “extremists” in the GamerGate movement DO need to be accounted, especially by the people who support GamerGate that are not actual violent thought (and literal) criminals. People have told me before to ignore GamerGate and “eventually it’ll go away” mostly because if I validate them they become “more real.” That would make sense if GamerGate was something like a personal fear I had, growing only in strength when I give it validity and enable it to cripple me.

That’s not correct though. GamerGate is a cancer on society and when it’s left unchecked it grows and grows and will continue to grow. That’s why so many people are speaking out against it and that’s why more people should.

What bothers me more than anything is that people can’t just admit that they are wrong. I don’t want to be misunderstood though, so let me clarify. People who believe in the concept of “journalistic integrity” and stand wholeheartedly behind that should continue to stand by that. It’s not a bad thing to stand for after all.

However, you can totally admit that your initial support of GamerGate was misguided and wrong because you thought that they were lining up with your ideology. Little did you know that you secretly became a part of a hate group and now you’re a part of something terrible. Just say, “Oops this shit is hella fucked, I’m sorry everyone I was wrong.”

There’s no need to be embarrassed. If I found out I was a part of a cult that wanted me to blindly hate people who disagree with our views I would definitely say, “This doesn’t sound very good, can I not be a part of this? Please unlock the door? Elder, please get back here and let me out.”

Haha, I’m just joking! Elder Jeffrey let me out eventually. Let that bring comfort to anyone who may support GamerGate who doesn’t realize what they are a part of.

If you’ve read this far into this article (which I thank you for by the way. Most people cannot get past the first couple of words) you’ll know that my initial presentation of myself (If you’ve already forgotten because you suffered a stroke mid-read, the beginning of this article I called myself “stupid”) is absolutely correct. I am not eloquent, I am not well-read, and I am not particularly good at making my articles flow well.

None of these things, however, should diminish the point of this article. I am a comedy writer who has decided to use his medium to tell a tale of the bad that GamerGate is doing. People need to realize the difference between, “I respect your opinion but I disagree with you” and “I do not like the words you are saying with your mouthhole, can you please die by my hand?” How can people not see the difference between these two statements? The first one is how you are supposed to treat people you disagree with (me for example) and the second one is how psychopaths respond to any stimulant.

In other words, GamerGate has a persistent pattern of hate towards their opposition and women in games in general. It is not about journalistic integrity. It has never been about journalistic integrity. Literally nobody brings up points about journalistic integrity. The main point presented is, “Boy I sure wish we had journalistic integrity.” That’s it. That’s the argument. Then you follow that up with threats towards the opposition, rinse, and repeat.

Basically the only proper way to end this is to simply say Stop GamerGate 2014. Stop it now. Stop it yesterday. That would be really nice. Also, feel free to brand me a Social Justice Warrior because the term “Warrior” is far cooler than my normal descriptor which mainly reads as “Humongous Fucking Nerd.” I’d love to be a warrior, especially if it comes with complimentary armor.

 

 

 

When Trumpets Meet Syringes

December 20th, 2013 by DanielRGT

As I write this post, the first post in what is easily several months, I am laying in a hospital bed heavily medicated on various types of drugs. What this means is that I am in prime position to write a blog post because there’s no better motivation than drugs for a writer.

I have spent the past 3 or 4 days in the hospital with some pretty annoying problems. I am not going to go into specifics, but needless to say my kidneys took a shit everywhere and my stomach is doing its best impression of being pregnant and having a child kick the shit out of my insides. Needless to say, it is extremely painful.

There’s the up side to this and that is that I’m getting help at a hospital. That sounds great, right? Well, I’m going to put it extremely lightly when I explain that if you think that then you clearly have never been inside of a hospital you fucking piece of shit. How dare you think that hospitals are a place where people get better and enjoy getting better in the process. It is quite literally torture being inside of a hospital.

Let me break all of this down for you so that you can understand what I mean because all of the shit that has happened to me is 100% real and 100% fucking awful.

The first thing that happens when you walk into a hospital expecting care is you must wait a minimum of half your life span to be seen by the doctor. Of course when I say the doctor, I am referring to a nurse who could give a shit about your symptoms and complaints. So when you come in and try to explain that you are in a lot of pain and have been having these symptoms for a long time, they refer you to their pain chart.

Now, I have always thought that the idea of a pain chart was a myth because in my mind there was no way anybody would be stupid enough to actually try and rate pain like that. I was wrong though because it actually exists and is as arbitrary as it sounds. The pain chart asks you to rate pain from a scale of 0 to 10, which sounds more like you’re giving a rather casual movie review than accurate medical information that is being used as a basis for treatment. The pain scale rates from “no pain at all currently/wasting everyone’s time”(a 0 on the chart) to “actively being mauled by bears/watching anything with Miley Cyrus” (a 10, or in the case of some of those watching Miley, dead).

When explaining that you have pain to a nurse in the ER (which is absolutely nothing like the show by the way as I didn’t even see John Stamos once) their first job is to ignore everything you’ve just said and their second job is to find out just how many things they can stab you with until you, the patient, finally exclaim that enough is enough (“There is no way that I am allowing you to take blood from the vein on my penis. Not after the first six times!”).

After they run your blood through their blood scanners (purchasable from Office Depot) they admitted me into the main part of the hospital once they found out my kidneys were on the path to exploding. Being admitted into a hospital room is a bit like staying at a very bad motel with a very strict dress code, the dress code in the case of the hospital being of course that your ass must be revealed at all times

It’s pretty much an understood truth that if you’re in a hospital the law of the land is that your ass must be visible at any time. If a doctor, nurse, janitor, or other patient sees you walking around in your hospital gown and they can’t see your ass you are sentenced to 10 years of jail time and an extra 3 years of required wearing of ass-less chaps under the “All Ass All Day Medical Care Act of 1897”.

It’s hard to describe just how soul-crushingly boring a hospital is. They put you in a room and chain you to a bed and IV machine that is pumping what is only described as “fluids” by nurses (which sounds more ominous than it needs to be). This would normally be an okay time to catch up on all the sleep that you don’t get as a human being doing college work, but it’s also part of hospital policy to wake up patients every 2 or 3 minutes and ask arduous questions.

It takes several hours (or in my case, days) for a doctor to finally see you, but it doesn’t actually clear up anything. The conversation almost always goes like this:

Doctor: Hello Mr. Trumpets, how are you feeling?

Me: Not that great, I’m in a lot of pain.

Doctor: That’s not normal. (grunts disapprovingly)

Me: No, do you have an idea what’s wrong with me?

Doctor: Let me feel your heart with my heart-checky thingy.

Me: Your stethoscope?

Doctor: Hey, I’m the doctor here pal.

Me: I am in intense pain, I’m very sorry.

Doctor: Well my heart-checker hasn’t heard anything strange such as wild animals or communist regimes being overthrown in your body, so you must be okay.

Me: I physically cannot move from the pain.

Doctor: I’ll tell another doctor to check you. They are equally or less qualified than I am but I’m really tired of hearing you complaining like a bitch.

(Hours/Days pass)

Second Doctor: Hello Mr. Trumpets, how are you tod- Oops, I forgot my heart-checky thingy.

(Leaves forever)

 

My point is that infinity doctors will come into your room, check your heart with their stethoscope, and shrug their shoulders at your ailment. Their next job is to pawn off work on a different doctor and have them do the exact same thing. This process repeats until you are fixed by magic or you die, and believe me that both are perfectly okay with the doctor.

If you’re very lucky, some time in the next century they will take you to get parts of your body scanned. Now there are varying degrees of getting your body scanned, but literally all of them involve laying on the most uncomfortable slab ever. 90% of the scans involve being inserted into what can only be described as a humongous death machine, and if you’re really unlucky that machine will be so loud they literally have to give you noise cancelling headphones in order for your ears to not explode. In addition, that machine will sound like it’s logging into AOL for 40 minutes straight and your instructions are to lay perfectly still and not move a single part of your body or so help me. The other 10% of scans involve slathering you in cold goop and stabbing you very hard with a plastic deodorant stick.

Some scans can be especially terrifying as a man since they require you to display your junk. You might think I’m being silly when I see this as a concern, but to a man a junk is his temple. When things are going bad in a man’s life he can take comfort that he still has his junk to fall back on. They are every man’s “Ol’ Faithful.” Got fired from your job and can’t pay your rent? It’s a good thing my junk is still intact. Got punched in the face by a man three times your size and watched him walk away with your girlfriend? My junk isn’t actively on fire so I’ll get over it. Stabbed by a psychopath on the street who’s wearing only a codpiece created from thrown away KFC buckets? As long as he didn’t stab my junk then I’ll live (unless I die, in which case in my last moments I’ll have been comforted that I died with my junk in one piece).

When I hear that for this scan or surgery I have to have my junk on display it starts raising red flags. Most guys don’t look at other people’s junk (unless they’re gay, in which case junk is sort of their stock and trade) so they only really have their junk to go on as far as healthy junk goes. Sure, guys look at porn and there are tons of dicks in those videos, but porn can’t be trusted as they portray a standard that can’t be possibly met by any normal human being. So when a doctor says, “Yea your junk will be on display during this” the only thing I can do is get worried that for my entire life my junk has been showing signs of my oncoming death for years and I was too stupid to notice because I thought it was normal junk. What if the doctor looks at my junk and decides it’s also appropriate to do a junkectomy. What if during the procedure my junk doesn’t meet the standards of every man in that room and they take a pitiful picture of it to post on their “Wall of Cock Shame” in their break room? What if they do that and then when the end of the year rolls around my cock wins “Most pitiful dong of the year” in their “Yearly Schlong Review” event. All of these things are guaranteed to happen if my junk is on display during a procedure.

Let’s stop talking about my junk (for now) though. Thankfully when you sit inside a hospital you can really appreciate how adamant hospitals are about hiring diversity in their staff members. You’ll see a lot of different types of people in a hospital, but it’s really great to see that in this day and age our society is not scared at all to hire vampires in our hospitals.

They must be hiring vampires, you see, because every 2 hours someone comes in to stab you with a needle and suck your blood out. There were several days where I had enormous amounts of blood removed from my body (I’m fairly certain they inserted blood in my body just so they could have the pleasure of removing it immediately after) and then I had symptoms brought on by the sheer amount of blood they removed that were attributed to some potential mystery disease. They of course had to test if I had the mystery disease by taking 16 vials of my blood on the spot.

Finally after two or eight lifetimes of time spent in the hospital, a stray doctor wandered into my room and immediately became disconcerted by me badgering him with questions about my predicament. Immediately he told me what was actually wrong with me and left the room as fast as possible to avoid any follow-up questions because he had already tried to get me to shut up by using his heart-checky thingy and he couldn’t possibly use the same trick twice.

Food is something you hear about often when people discuss hospitals, airlines, or particularly fat friends; however, in the case of this post we’re talking about all three. When I came into the hospital, I hadn’t really eaten in two days. I’m not going to go into any specifics, but let’s just say that if I were to eat any food it would end up straight back on the ground with enough contents from my stomach to create a monument of the food I had just eaten. So when the hospital hears this, their immediate reaction is to make sure to give you food that is utterly and completely inedible. It seems to make sense to me that if you are suffering in a hospital bed that every particle of being also deserves to suffer, and your stomach is no exception.

What’s extremely interesting to me is that there are people who die in hospitals. People hold onto their last breath while laying in a hospital bed and the hospital’s decision as far as food quality is concerned is basically equatable to how concerned a morbidly obese man is that the thirteen double quarter pounders he’s ordering from McDonalds might be a tad unhealthy (“Of course I know it’s unhealthy, that’s why I ordered a Diet Coke”). People in death row get a last meal of their choosing before they are injected with justice juice from the state, but since a death in a hospital is unpredictable people in the hospital get the same shit-covered shit (like from a butt) that everybody else gets.

On top of that it’s frowned upon to not eat any of their horrific culinary attempts. When somebody breaks down my hospital door claiming that there is food present in the room and they hand me a tray of food that is all the wrong color  I am not exactly sure why I am expected to eat it. I’m reprimanded for not eating it in fact. People come to me and say, “You won’t get out of here if you don’t eat that food you know!” What they are saying is that I am literally imprisoned in the hospital and the only way to escape from the hell they have provided to me is to take place in their attempt to recreate popular Fear Factor challenges.

Also as it turns out, hospitals are sort of like reverse rehab clinics. When you undergo surgery or are in pain, they give you glorious drugs that make you feel fantastic and the only real response to receiving these drugs are to become horribly addicted to them. Once again though you aren’t allowed to leave the hospital until you stop taking those drugs. So the plan is to give you really awesome drugs when you enter, watch you get addicted, and then dangle freedom in front of your face that’s impossible to achieve unless you join their twelve-step program. What a glorious experience indeed.

It’s funny as I review my time spent in the hospital. Basically the majority of my time was spent sipping on apple juice and worrying about my junk (which is actually what I do outside of the hospital anyway so at the very least they tried to make me comfortable), but overall it was a horrific part of my life that I won’t be soon forgetting. My hospital experience has been equatable to getting my leg torn off by hyenas which is ironic because a hospital is where you are supposed to go if that happens to you. At least I still have my junk intact though.

 

 

 

 

 

Upping Your Game

March 18th, 2012 by DanielRGT

Here is how to up your game in fighting games:

Stop being terrible.

Hope that helps.

The Penny Arcade Report

February 21st, 2012 by DanielRGT

Hey, it’s a new post!

I felt like it was necessary for me to make a post showcasing The Penny Arcade Report and why it is much cooler than you. You’re probably going over all the reasons that you’re incredibly cool, but I have to burst your cool bubble and show you why the Penny Arcade Report is one of the best things to happen to video game journalism in a long time.

I’ve had a big problem with the state of video game journalism for a long time. Being a former video game journalist myself (albeit not a very notable one), I know what it’s like to try and write news articles for a website. It’s very obviously different than writing for my personal blog.

Firstly, you have much less freedom when writing for a website. That’s sort of a natural realization though, isn’t it? The site has a certain image it’s trying to present, and if nine of the ten articles I’ve written are showcasing which video games have cocks hidden in them they are going to have trouble with me. Websites define how good an article is based on how many views, or “hits”, it gets. What type of articles does this produce? Well to be extremely blunt, it produces utter shit.

Ben Kuchera maps this out much more eloquently than me however. I’m not a weaver of words such as Ben or Tycho of Penny Arcade, but I try my best. Kuchera puts it as such:

“The super-blogs push content out at a furious pace, but the open secret is only a few interesting things happen each day in the world of video games. Everyone runs two or three interesting stories per day, and the rest is filler. The continual, relentless publication of stories that don’t say anything of worth, re-write an existing article, or exist only to grab page views with a few sexy images can be numbing. This is why so many people don’t take video game news seriously: there just isn’t enough out there to fill out a schedule that demands a story every twenty or thirty minutes.”

Wasn’t that a nice quote? He doesn’t even use any naughty words like I do! Truly this showcases the difference between a professional and an idiot, such as myself.

Back to the original topic which I brought up though (Remember what it was? It’s up there, where I said you have no freedom!). There’s a lot of rigidity involved in video game journalism. Articles end up being bland, mediocre, uneventful, and sometimes even completely nonsensical. Factual inaccuracies make frequent appearances in articles nowadays. This leads me to my second point.

Since articles are being shit out at an alarming rate, then the magic of “The Editorial” ends up becoming a dream rather than a reality. As a child, I have fond memories of reading video game magazines. The most notable in my memories would undoubtedly be the classic “EGM” (Electronic Gaming Monthly). It was my dream to write for this magazine, and it’s unfortunate but now that dream can never come true. EGM has since been out of print for several years now and it has everything to do with the internet.

Why have a subscription to a magazine that gives you month old news when you can get instant “gratification” from the internet news? I understand why magazines basically died out; even magazines like Game Informer need the endless bickering of a GameStop employee to shove their subscriptions down your throat.

Is that a good thing though? Obviously in magazines you had to wade through endless pages of advertisements, but what you got in return (at least in my opinion) were articles that seemed like they had actual content. Articles with some meat on their bones. Not every article was a winner, and of course even magazine journalism had its faults; however, I felt more comfortable reading those articles than the drivel that ends up on gaming websites nowadays.

Seeing an article with an outrageous headline to draw readers in isn’t gaming news. It isn’t even entertainment. It’s a poor attempt at drawing in readers that will eventually become enraged at the article as a whole. At that point, however, it’s too late. The person clicked on it, so the people running it count it as a win. “These types of articles interest people, look at all these hits!” The data ends up being read over the general response from the “crowd” as it were.

Gamers complain about all these types of articles, yet this is the norm; this is the standard of living we have become accustomed to. We read an article and go, “That article had no content,” then we are right back to the news feed to say the same thing about the 20 other articles being released. One could say it is an exercise in masochism how much gamers put up with this shit, but the reality is that there isn’t really an alternative. It ends up being “read this bad article” or “read no article.”

Why am I telling you this though? Chances are you aren’t a video game journalist, you’re a “consumer” such as myself. You’re one of the many readers who’s been victim to this type of poor writing and structure. You already know all this information. So what’s the point of me telling you, right? It’s sort of like me beckoning you over on the street and unveiling to you that yes, people tend to cry when they are sad.

I could lie and say that I have some sort of naive optimism that video game journalist will read this blog (which currently averages about 1 reader a month, usually myself) and change their ways. I could do that, or I could say that there are people making an effort to fix this type of shoddy journalism.

I mentioned it at the beginning of my post, Penny Arcade brought on board Ben Kuchera (the guy I quoted above) to present to you The Penny Arcade Report. They brought him on board awhile ago, but I suppose you could say that The Penny Arcade Report started up extremely recently, as early as yesterday or today.

What type of things can we expect from this endeavor? Well, if what they say is any truth at all (and I trust Penny Arcade’s backing, so I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the odds are high that it will be) then we will be seeing journalism that is respectable. Interesting articles about gaming? On the regular? How could this be possible?

So what is this blog post about anyway? Is it an advertisement? “Sure seems like it” you might be saying. You could be right, honestly. I’m trying my best to put this new thing out in the open. I don’t really see video game websites advertising this type of things to be honest. It’d be like if a new restaurant came out claiming to be way better than Red Robin and then Red Robin said, “That place is fucking banging check that shit out! Way better than us!” It just wouldn’t happen.

I want to see video game news that isn’t complete horse shit. I want to see articles with intelligent points and proper research done. I want to see news that gets my brain working. I’m tired of what video game journalism has turned into. I used to really want to be a video game journalist when I was younger perhaps out of some naive image I built up in my head. As I grew older, however, I soon realized that the field I wanted to join was turning into what it is now. There’s almost no part of me that wishes to be a part of video game journalism now, which is a shame because part of me thinks I would do okay in that field.

However, if journalists step their shit up and take a look at the type of things Penny Arcade is producing via The Penny Arcade Report I may be able to have that dream yet again. Is this about me? Not even a little bit, but everyone is a little selfish.

Best of luck to Ben Kuchera and The Penny Arcade Report. This is the first sign of hopefully better news; I’m hoping others will follow suit in whatever way they can.

————————————-

Follow Jamison Trumpets on Twitter. @JamisonTrumpets

Like this article? Let me know! E-mail me at jamisontrumpets@gmail.com

Hate this article? Let me know too! I’m extremely egotistical and view all e-mails as progress.

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