Jamison Trumpets

Back to School, Back to School

February 23rd, 2016 by DanielRGT

It’s late August, which means that if you haven’t already started your new school term (if you are in school, that is) then you are just about to start. There’s a lot of preparation that goes into returning to school, and I would be quite the asshole if I didn’t let you know exactly what you needed. To avoid reaching that level of asshole (or what I call “enlightenment”), I’m here to prepare you for school so you can go back in style.

First off, you want to make sure you are physically prepared. I’m not talking about exercising, I’m talking about having your supplies my friend. Notebooks, pencils, pens, markers, crayons, candy, a cheap van, dark basement, fun-sized chains, a functional vibrating spiked dil-

WHOA my bad, I was doing the wrong back-to-school article. What I really meant to say was just notebooks, pens, a backpack, etc. You know what I’m talking about, the essentials. When you go out and buy these items, you need to make sure you’re getting them for a bargain. If there’s a sale, snatch that shit up and buy in bulk.

For example, if notebooks are being sold for the low price of five cents you do NOT want to be like my friend who will remain unnamed (Mike). My friend bought a notebook with only thirty more pages and ended up paying one dollar and twenty five cents extra. I bought two five cent notebooks and got 40 more pages than my unfortunate friend. I was, of course, downtrodden and very sorry for my friend, so to help myself feel better I laughed about it to his face and rubbed it in.

When buying writing utensils, it’s important to realize how fragile your relationship with pens can be. Think about it, when was the last time you took your pen out to dinner? When was the last time you put on some Barry Manilow and talked up your pen until it was wearing something lacey? That’s right, it wasn’t until at least last Wednesday. With a relationship like that, you need to branch out and buy some cheaper pens. It’s not worth keeping up something that will only end in tears.

This is why I recommend buying generic Awful-Brand pens. These  pens run you about $1.50 for ten pens of less than agreeable quality. But you spend 6 dollars, and all of a sudden you have 40 pens, this guarantees at most one working pen in the lot. It’s a win-win scenario, arguably the second best type of scenario out there.

The second aspect of school comes with making friends. It’s important to be friendly to people you don’t know,  because this gives off the misconception that you are actually a nice person. Then, when they trust you, it’s time to crush them.

Wait, that’s not right. You want to…continue to be friends? I think that’s it, it’s been awhile since I’ve read up on this subject. As you can see, I don’t claim to be an expert in this area. However, this doesn’t mean that I don’t have SOME knowledge.

The first thing you want to do is try not to scare away potential friends. Let’s set up a little scenario so you can understand better. You meet a potential friend in class, you start talking and you begin to hit it off. You both like the same TV show! Wow, you guys could be great friends! Classtime is over, and there’s time in between both of your next classes, and you’re both hungry. “Hey!” you say, startling your nearby classmates, “Why don’t we get some subs?”

That’s a great idea! Keep talking over subs, this sounds like a great idea. You’ll just go right across the street though, so you offer  to drive your friend. This is the correct gesture to do, you wouldn’t want them to waste their precious gas, right? You guys walk to your car, and as you enter you hook up your iPod so that it can play through your radio. You hit Shuffle Songs, and all of a sudden the hit single by Dethklan comes up called “There’s a Big Dick in my Ass.”

All of a sudden, your friend is scared. What is this person going to do to me? Am I going to be raped? Am I going to be raped thrice? These are all valid questions going through his head, but they matter very little as he has already bolted out the passenger side door and ran back towards the school, where there are guaranteed anti-rape devices.

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