Jamison Trumpets

Animal Crossing is Bullshit

April 6th, 2010 by DanielRGT

Animal  Crossing, despite the name, is not about animals safely looking both ways and crossing the street in the correct manner. It’s a game created by a team that got down on their knees, worshipped the God of Obnoxiousocity, and got some dope-ass tips to make their game extra fucking annoying.

It all comes down to the fact that these animals are basically bullshit, especially considering that the alligator currently living in my village should be eating everyone and everything. Hell, if the game was to help out the other animals and form a military coup against the dictator alligator, the game would be a hell of a lot more interesting.

As it stands now, however, it’s a game that is interesting for the first 30 minutes to an hour, and then every painstaking minute after that becomes a self-destructive quest of moving back forth around your town, trying to find that one hopelessly lost soul of an animal who isn’t in their house for some god forsaken reason only to complete the task given to you and receive the grand prize of stationery.

Stationery is useless, there is no purpose to it. You can write greetings and other colloquialisms in these letters, but seeing as the animals aren’t real they can’t actually read your letter. Even if the game has some sort of “super-advanced-futuristic” way of reading the actual contents (Hint: It doesn’t) there’s no way for it to actually work because it has to assume the person writing the letter (i.e. an idiot) would be spelling things correctly.

I’ve written letters in Animal Crossing, mostly because some asshole of a racoon got on his goddamn hands and knees and asked me to do it. I decided to do it, but under the condition that I get to say all the meanest, nastiest, unfriendliest message in the world.

I couldn’t think of that, so instead I just told the animal to eat a bag of dicks. The animal got genuinely confused asking me what the letter meant, and in return the confused animal said “Oh well, here have a piece of stationery.”

That’s right, writing to these illiterate animals doesn’t even reward you dope-ass furniture to put in your tiny one bedroom (no bath) apartment. Speaking of  holes in the wall, your character has to be some sort of idiot to come to a town hoping to live there with only $1000 (or bells if you wanna be accurate) to his name.

It wouldn’t have mattered anyway though because every town just has to have a local scam artist racoon there to con you in to giving him all your goddamn money. The only way to play this game is to be in massive debt to this mafia-man of a racoon, but he’s not even cool like normal scam artists. He should show up to your house in a drunken stupor once every saturday and beat the shit out of you so he can have his money.

Nope, this scam artist is one of the nice ones. “Pay me back whenever, it’s cool I don’t care. I only have a store to run, kids to feed, and a wife who’s about to leave me!”

Fucking bullshit.

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