Jamison Trumpets

So it Turns Out the Holidays are Further Down the Block

December 15th, 2009 by DanielRGT

Continuing with Jamison’s Braptastic Trumpetmas Exbrapaganza we feel it’s time to think about that special someone in your life. It’s almost time for you to sit around the tree, hand each other the special gifts you bought each other, open them up, and immediately ask for the receipt.

Odds are, however, that you want to avoid having to return that awful sweater you just got. Your significant other is already burning the present you got them, and Trumpetmas is over with both of you having split up. You’re sick  of this happening every time, you want some continuity in your life, you want to be able  to hold a girl/boyfriend for more than 4 fucking weeks.

Let Jamison Trumpets inform you on fantastic gift ideas to set that romantic mood that you’re aiming for. You know what I’m talking about, right? The kind of gift that when s/he opens it the room immediately transforms (in true Transformers style) into a sexy bedroom with the tacky heart-shaped bed and some Barry White playing on the stereo that you clearly do not own.

Foolproof Gift Idea #1: Dieting Books

Nothing says “I love you” more than the very non-subtle message that you feel the forklift being used to carry her around the house is making it hard to watch the big game. Getting her some dieting books will give her the inspiration she needs to chase you down and beat you with a week old baguette, and the exercise she gets will make the fat drop off her like burnt wax off of a lit candle.

Don’t worry, once she catches you she won’t be fat enough to eat you anymore so you won’t have to worry about that. I’d worry about the butcher knife she now holds in her hand. Ha Ha! Don’t worry, I bet she doesn’t want both your arms.

Foolproof Gift Idea #2: A new girlfriend

Never mind how you got her in that tiny box you handed to her, she’ll be ecstatic to see that you have a new girlfriend because she’s probably still mad about your fantastic birthday gift idea of a ladel. If you’re really lucky she’ll have already left you before Trumpetmas began!

Be careful though, you might get that girlfriend who wouldn’t find it very classy to give her a new girlfriend. After all, what’s she going to do with that dead body you just gave her considering you’ve had that present under the tree since December 3rd? No wonder the house smelled so bad!

Foolproof Gift Idea #3: Dirt

It’s dirt

What else could you ask for this Trumpetmas? Good will towards men? Too bad, looks like Sears is all out of good will towards men I’m afraid! You’ll have to settle with mild discontent towards men.

That concludes this edition of Jamison’s Braptastic Trumpetmas Exbrapaganza. Keep updated with us as  we present to you more fantastic gift ideas this holiday!

The Holidays are Around the Corner…

December 14th, 2009 by DanielRGT

It’s the holidays and you’re probably trying to buy presents for all of those people in your life that you love from the bottom of your heart. You are also probably buying presents for your family, so you’ll probably want to try and get them something too.

Let’s be honest though, you’ve been searching for days on end trying to find that perfect gift that’ll make them not threaten lawsuits when revealed. JamisonTrumpets.com is here to let you know that we have just the gift for this Holiday season.

Jamison Trumpets proudly presents this year’s Jamison’s Braptastic Trumpetmas Exbrapaganza.

This holiday’s first gift idea is the No More Heroes/Red Steel Bundle.

There are many reasons we’ve suggested this braptastic bundle. The first and foremost reason being that No More Heroes is an excellent game that every Wii owner should have. It’s combined use of excellent, innovative gameplay and fantastic visual style the game is a must-have. For more information on this fantastic game, fucking google it.

You’re probably wondering about the other game with the bundle. “Red Steel? Isn’t that game awful?” The answer is, of course, yes. That’s not you get this bundle though. Red Steel has many uses outside of just sticking in your Wii and playing it. Let Jamison Trumpets show just some of what you can do with this fantastic circular disc.

#1 Red Steel Ultimate Frisbee League

Let’s face it, you’ve probably been around a college campus or the park and seen a bunch of guys (with a percent chance of bros) throwing their frisbee around. We’re here to tell you to stop living a boring one track life and think outside the box. Walk up to those guys playing frisbee, grab the frisbee, and break that shit in half. Make sure that while they are beating the fuck out of you, you mention that you’ll find them a replacement frisbee, a better one.

This is where you present the idea of the Red Steel Ultimate Frisbee League. Come back to the group of frisbee enthusiasts, present your prized frisbee, and get the league started. Make sure that the winning team all recevies copies of No More Heroes! We here at Jamison Trumpets have no problem shamelessly advertising games we like!

#2 Coaster

Let’s face it, while you are playing No More Heroes you’re going to get thirsty. You bring back your cup filled with Dr. Pepper and you suddenly realize you’re in quite the predicament: where the fuck are you going to put your drink? To avoid putting moisture rings on the table, you’ll need a coaster. Unfortunately, your house hasn’t seen a coaster since the Great Coaster War of 1998.

This is where your copy of Red Steel comes in. Red Steel is just the right size and shape to be used as your drink coaster, and as such you can put that game to good use as such.

#3 Hockey Puck

Let me tell you what I think o f hockey. I fucking hate hockey. “Fuck hockey” is something I often say to the priest at my church before being thrown out for drinking all the wine. It’s a boring sport and it’s not that interesting. However, using Red Steel as a hockey puck is something I wholeheartedly approve.

Let’s be clear about this though. I don’t approve of hockey, I simply approve on beating Red Steel with large sticks.

#4 Ninja Star

Red Steel isn’t jagged, pointed, or sharp in any way. This doesn’t change the fact that it can be used as an effective ninja star. While odds are that the person getting hit will not be physically injured in any way, the emotional trauma they will suffer after having just received a copy of Red Steel will be enough to scar them for the rest of their life.

To counteract the trauma and social ostracization you can direct that person to this article so they can find uses for their new copy of Red Steel. Obviously if you aren’t too fond of the person, you can always suggest that they play the game on their Wii.

#5 Telescope

You’ve always wondered what was in the great beyond. Stars, planets, galaxies, the universe is yours for the taking. There’s a problem though, how can you see all those things when they are so itty-bitty when you look up at the night sky. Look no further Captain Kirk, Red Steel is here to provide telescopic sustenance.

Using Red Steel as a telescope, you can look up at the night sky and see the stars. Rumors have been surging around the internet that suggest that if you squint hard enough, you can even see the moon at night. The Hubble Space Telescope? That’s baby shit compared to Red Steel‘s telescopic power.

Well there you have it, that’s the first gift suggestion of Jamison’s Braptastic Trumpetmas Exbrapaganza. Stay tuned as we suggest more gifts before the holidays are over!

S.O.S. – Reasons why you won't be seeing me

December 5th, 2009 by DanielRGT

So I’ve returned home and for reasons I’m not going to go into detail about, I don’t have a computer to keep ol’ Jamison Trumpets as active as I would like.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll try and get a good blog post every now and then but I don’t have a computer to do any blogging. For that matter, I don’t have a computer to do anything interesting.

This may sadden some of you, but there’s nothing I can do about it. You’ll have to make due without me for a couple weeks, months, maybe longer. Who knows at this point.

With holiday braps,

Jamison T. Rumpets (Daniel Rivera)

Jamison Trumpets: The Blog of Daniel Rivera
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