Jamison Trumpets

New Species Discovered: Wolfpires

November 20th, 2009 by DanielRGT

Jamison was hard at work in his office just last night when suddenly an anonymous phone call came in. Of course, this was very suspicious so just to be sure we recorded the conversation. Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Jamison Trumpets: *brap*?
Anonymous Phone Caller: I have some information that may interest you.
JT: *brap*
APC: Your recent article on John Donahue and his love for vampires has brought about something bigger than you thought.
JT: *brap*
APC: I know what you’re thinking, but this information is legit.
JT: *brap*
APC: How can you trust me? Don’t I sound trustworthy?
JT: *brap*
APC: Well I don’t see how she has anything to do with this…
JT: *brap*
APC: Well…I suppose…
JT: *brap*
APC: Low blow man…low blow…
JT:
APC: Since you seem so eager to get this information, how about we work out a deal? How’s $100 for this information sound?
JT: *brap*
APC: How is that unreasonable?
JT: *brap*
APC: But I enjoy my kneecaps…
JT: *brap*
APC: Fine, fine, fine! How about I lower it to $75?
JT: …..*brap*
APC: Well no, I’m not particularly fond of dying…
JT: *brap*
APC: Ok! Fine! You win! $25!
JT: *brap*
APC: You still won’t take that!? What else do you want? I’m not giving this away for free you know!
JT: *brap*
APC: Oh…well I guess that technically isn’t free… though I don’t see how me paying you 20 dollars for this information that I have is in any way fair.
JT: *brap*
APC: You’re more informed than I thought… I thought nobody knew about my love for antique toilets. I’ll give you the 20 dollars later…do you want this information?
JT: *brap*!
APC: The John Donahue story has brought to light something even more disconcerting. You thought he was only delving into the forbidden fruit that is vampires, when you couldn’t be more wrong. Not only is he into vampires, he’s into werewolves as well.
JT: *brap*?
APC: I’m not lying! I have photographic evidence! The man we knew as John Donahue is no longer a human…at this point he must have evolved into a new species: the wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: I know it sounds ridiculous, I know! But listen, you need to check your e-mail. I’ve sent you the photograph on there, I expect you to expose the wolfpires for what they really are: a bunch of big gay neenies.
JT: *brap*
APC: I’m not a wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: No really, I swear I’m not a wolfpire.
JT: *brap*
APC: Fine I’m a wolfpire. Except not really.
JT: *brap*
APC: Fuck you.

CALL ENDED

The conversation was suspicious certainly, but the facts check out. John Donahue has ascended to wolfpirehood, that is to say he is both a werewolf and a vampire. His status as a human is long since lost and such should be considered extremely dangerous! If he offers to check your neck for any cancerous moles or offers you a moonlit stroll on the beach, JUST SAY NO! Alternately, you can Stop, Drop, and Roll to safety. Wolfpires have been known to find this action confusing, and as such you have ample time to flee.

To prove that Donahue has achieved this special status, we present to you the conclusive evidence that he’s delving into what other wolfpires would refer to as “sweet, delicious, werewolf lovin'”.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

You see this filth? This news writes itself, John is no longer safe to be with. You see the flash drive in his hands? It’s not holding school data as we once thought, it’s in fact holding the love letters sent between him and Jacob during his night class on Tuesdays. You may be thinking we know a little bit too much about John, but that’s our job as a news reporter. We must report the facts, even if they can sound stalkerish and creepy.

To give you a little understanding on how Wolfpires make sense, let’s have a little explanation. First, Wolfpires originate from the two words: Werewolf and Empire State Building. The reason for the latter is because vampires love tall buildings. John has spent time with both Edward and Jacob, and as such his DNA structure has changed entirely. He no longer has innocent thoughts of becoming an astronaut, or of dressing up like Batman and masquerading around town in a hilarious montage.

Instead, John now spends his time daydreaming of wearing dark cloaks and his fake vampire teeth (until he grows his own pair of course) and sneaking up on Edward and Jacob to play “innocent” pranks on them. All of these pranks almost always end with vulgar results. That’s right, you guessed it: they begin to do each others taxes. It’s sickening really (Taxes that is. I guess vampires too.), having to watch them sit there with their graphing calculators.

After spending time with Edward, John will sneak out and go to his favorite spot in the woods to meet up with his love on the side, Jacob. Once there, John gives Jacob legal advice. This is just gross, and as such I will not go into further detail.

Now that I’ve exposed John for what he really is, you may be worried that us here at the Times will be in danger ourselves of the oncoming onslaught of wolfpires. That’s ok though, because we have knowledge of a wolfpire’s one weakness: not giving them a high five.

That’s right, wolfpires are desperate for high fives, to the point where they will whore themselves out just to get a high five. Odds are if you’ve ever purchased a “street walker” (which we here at the Times certainly do not condone, especially on the corner of 24th and Palm) and she/he asks you for a high five right after they are probably a wolfpire and as a result you should run the fuck away.

After all, if you don’t they might start doing your taxes.

Jamison Trumpets: YouTube and You

November 20th, 2009 by DanielRGT

You a live a pretty boring life. It’s true! I’ve seen into your life and I can tell you right now, it’s pretty boring. So you must be asking yourself an important question, “How can I spice up my life so it’s not so boring?! Also who took my only copy of Guess Who? I love that game!”

Unfortunately, it was absolutely not me who stole your copy of “Guess Who?”, but believe me I probably would’ve stolen it if I had the chance because that game is rad! Alas, this does nothing to solve your boredom.

So you’re probably asking, “What exactly will solve my boredom?” The answer is simple: our YouTube page. Like many others, Jamison Trumpets has decided to grace YouTube with his trumpeteering presence.

What will he be doing? Why entertaining of course! Jamison Trumpets presents to you our YouTube page:

http://www.youtube.com/user/JamisonTrumpets

Recently, Jamison found the glorious SNES game that is the Gundam Wing fighting game. It’s so excellent, Jamison has recorded a couple of combos he’s performed! Go Jamison!

Check our YouTube page from time to time to see if we have any new videos, because goddamn they’ll be entertaining.

Breaking News

November 17th, 2009 by DanielRGT
BREAKING NEWS

The photograph I am about to present to you has not been doctored in any way and is absolutely the truth. There is no way a person like me would lie about a person like John.

The other day while searching through my John H. Donahue file, I noticed a certain inconsistency with his schedule. I realized he would time away from friends and classes to visit a “secret location” and spend time with a “secret mythological creature.”

I know what you’re thinking. “Unicorns! I love unicorns!” I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I can only wish to myself that John was spending secret time with unicorns. Unfortunately, it is the complete opposite.

John Huevos Donahue during the months of July through the present time has been spending some “quality time” with the one and only, the infamous, the all-around well hated vampire known as:

Donald Trump.

Wait, no that’s not right. I meant to say Edward “Salad-Man” Cullen. That’s right! The John Donahue who you thought absolutely denied enjoying Twilight has been spending secret time admiring what John calls the “perfectly chiseled vampire cheekbones” of Edward “Stalkin’-Man” Cullen.

I know what you’re thinking. “John? And Edward ‘Egg Crack’r’ Cullen? There’s no way! I thought John loved ‘da ladies.'” It surprised me as well, but photographs do not lie and the photograph I am about to show you will prove my claims.

Without further ado, I give you the aforementioned “undeniable proof” as it were. I would warn you that small children may find this highly offensive and should be instructed to look away.

This is science fact.

This is science fact.

You see now, the hypocrisy that is seething out of John’s pores is palpable. You think he hates Twilight? To the contrary my enlightened friend, he absolutely adores Twilight.

Well, sort of. You see, it seems that John’s affair with Edward “Lite Brite” Cullen has created an awkward love triangle between John, Bella, and Edward “Nega-Man” Cullen.

How does John feel about this? Why not ask him yourself? When I asked John about this love triangle he replied with:

“What? What are you talking about, there is no love triangle because I don’t like Edward or Twilight.”

I know what you’re thinking. “Methinks thou dost protest too much.” I agree, and as such this is even further proof.

The likelihood of this rumor being true? 582.33% repeating. John’s “late-night escapades” with the sparklin’ spazman himself have, fortunately for the future of the “Jamison Trumpet Times”,brought about a new line of questions.

The first being whether or not John appreciates the sparkling nature of Edward “Doubles-As-A-Vegas-Light-Show” Cullen. Does John even see this sparkling behemoth during the day? Evidence of such hasn’t been found, but thanks to our research department we are working hard to find evidence on that matter.

The second question that is brought up is now that John’s secret has been exposed, will he admit that he has been found out or will he viciously deny the blatant truth before us all. We speculate that John will deny all claims that he has been discovered and will threaten to light many a person on fire.

Will he set you on fire? It’s possible, after all the vibrant and shining lights from the fire may remind him most of his precious Edward “What’s-My-Line-Again?” Cullen.

As we wrap up this shocking development of John and his deep dark sparkling secrets, we must warn all readers that if you are to bring up this subject with John be prepared to have many a word sworn at you and many a fist threatened to your person.

We advise that all people ready to bring up the topic with him should bring a picture of his nighttime sweetheart, Edward “What’s-Character-Development” Cullen. The chiseled cheekbones of the one he admires most may calm him down and make him a docile, innocent creature.

Left 4 Dead (2), Killing Floor, and Et Ceterated Bullshit

November 3rd, 2009 by DanielRGT

Recently, I picked up the game Killing Floor on Steam. I’m not going to go into great detail about how I think the game is or what the game can do (you can do that by yourself you lazy whore), but it’s a pretty good game that’s been keeping me entertained for a little bit. In short, the game is a zombie shooter that works in “waves”, that is to say you must survive for several numbers of waves of zombies to survive until the “boss” zombie, then if you defeat him the map is over and you are taken to a new map. That’s the premise in short, and there’s some XP leveling up bullshit but that’s going way too far into the game and I’m sticking by my “you-look-it-up-goddamnit” policy.

Now in contrast, there’s a game like Left 4 Dead. Fans of this game look at Killing Floor and their giant floppy boner (this is not oxymoronic, this is simply a comment on the type of people who have hard ons for L4D) for Left 4 Dead goes nuts. They become Jason Stavin’ Angry, saying Killing Floor is just a cheap knockoff of Left 4 Dead and how Left 4 Dead is a much much better game and how if you play Killing Floor you’re just a great big ol’ faggot.

Classy ladies over on the Left 4 Dead side.

Meanwhile on the Killing Floor side there’s a bunch of indy gamer cockasses who go “Left 4 Dead is such bullshit (Translation: Left 4 Dead is too mainstream), Killing Floor is the best zombie fucking shooter ever goddamnit. You play Left 4 Dead? Fuck Left 4 Dead, I see a Left 4 Dead player I kill ’em.”

In short, it’s two fanboys to two games throwing their shit at each other.

My opinion of the matter is this: Killing Floor and Left 4 Dead are two different games. The only thing they have in common are zombies and guns. Comparing these two games when they are built to be two different games and are two different games is the dumbest thing. One is a campaign story-based multiplayer first-person zombie shooter. The other is a wave based RPG first-person zombie shooter.

Now if you simply comparing them as “games” then fine, you can say “I like this Killing Floor/Left 4 Dead better than Killing Floor/Left 4 Dead.” But that can be said in the same way that I believe that Street Fighter is a far superior game to that of Qbert (and as such, all Qbert fans can suck my dick. Respectively.)

It’s time to head over to the second part of this blog post, which is also zombie related: Left 4 Dead 2. I played the demo over the weekend and here are my thoughts:

  • -It’s like Left 4 Dead.
  • -Like, exactly like it.
  • -Ok, I know it’s the sequel but maybe it could be a bit more different.
  • -Model changes do not constitute “different.”
  • -Ok, well I mean I guess you can pick up melee weapons now and hit shit with them. That’s cool I guess.
  • -25% more black people.
  • -I’m not racist.
  • -Nor am I gay.
  • -There’s new weapons.
  • -They shoot bullets.
  • -Ironically I am talking in bullet points.
  • -That was a horrible pun.
  • -Couldn’t it just be a little different?
  • -There’s a football playing infected who charges your ass.
  • -He only knows how to run in a straight line though.
  • -So if you get hit by him you’re awful.
  • -You got hit by him didn’t you.
  • -You’re awful.
  • -I mean there could be SOME differences.
  • -Oops I didn’t pre-order it I don’t get showered in Valve presents.
  • -The sky is much bluer.
  • -Ok, I guess that’s because it takes place during the day instead of at night.
  • -Fuck you for pointing that out fag.
  • -No goddamn differences.

That’s what I think. Suck it Qbert fans.

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