Jamison Trumpets

Convenience and Escalators

October 20th, 2009 by DanielRGT

I live in Chicago at the moment (for school, normally I’m in Miami). Part of living in Chicago means having to use their public transportation. I’m not going to write a blog post about Chicago’s public transportation, that would probably take several pages of internet that I don’t have.

What I’m going to be talking about is escalators, and by association elevators, and the pricks who ride them. When I see an escalator, I see (no frontin’) the word “CONVENIENCE” labeled right over it. Escalators are meant to stand on and they push you upwards (or downwards) free of charge, that is to say you don’t have to do any actual exercise to get up.

This notion, however, is far gone to some people. When people see escalators, they don’t see something that depicts laziness and convenience, they see rocket steps. When they get on an escalator, they shoot up those goddamn stairs as if their life depended on it. Stairs? Fuck stairs, escalators are super stairs motherfucker. They want to incorporate the convenience of escalators with the exercise of stairs.

This is something I can get on board with. If you do this, by all means keeping rocketing up those stairs. Me? That isn’t my scene. When I see an escalator, I stand still and let it glide me to the heavens (also known as the end destination of the escalator).

So you might be asking (you’re definitely asking this, disputing me is useless I can read your mind), “What happens when these two views of escalator usage clash?” I’ll tell you what happens; what happens is I get Jason Fucking Stavin’ Angry. When I’m standing on an escalator and letting it just take its course while I think of stomping puppies, I don’t want to hear some jackass behind me going, “GOD WALK UP THE ESCALATOR STEPS PLEASE SOME OF US ARE IN A HURRY.”

Some of us (mainly me) are not in hurry motherfucker, so I could give two shits about your goddamn hurry.

The same thing happens to me with elevators. If you haven’t figured it out (actually, if you really haven’t maybe you should stop reading cause you’re fucking stupid) I’m a lazy person. So if I want to get to the 2nd floor, and I am given an elevator to use; I’m going to use the elevator. It’s encouraged that I use the stairs, but it’s also encouraged that I don’t kick puppies and you don’t see me not doing that (For what it is worth, I don’t actually kick or stomp puppies, unless they aren’t barking or playing ball).

I will get in that elevator, I will hit the number 2, and I will get off and say “fuck ya’ll” if you give me a dirty look. Alternately, I’ll get my ass kicked by angry turbo stair users.

Now See Here Whippahsnappah…

October 3rd, 2009 by DanielRGT

Whippersnapper is a word commonly used by old people to refer to young people that are, purportedly, “on their lawn” or “ruining their begonias.” Why am I even telling you this? Because yesterday, while in my dorm, I got into a row with a guy (I’m a college student, so of course he is in fact a college student as well). The row had nothing to do with anything important, I simply got the last bag of chips that he wanted.

Anyway, short story even shorter, he called me a faggot. I’m used to this as I call people faggots all the time, so it’s not hard to imagine what being called one is like. I told him that I’m sorry but I got there first, blah blah blah, I was super polite.

He then said this exact phrase, and I assure you I am not shitting you:

“Stupid whippahsnappahs taking my fuckin’ bags uh’ chips.”

I was in disbelief because I couldn’t really believe he called me a whippersnapper. Nobody in their right mind calls another fellow college student a whippersnapper. Hell, the whippersnapper phase is making its way out for old people even. If you were to go to an old person and say the word whippersnapper they would most definitely say, “Whippersnapper? What are you some sort of faggot (fagget)?”

This also verifies my theory that old people are getting cooler and cooler as time passes.

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